Exacting moments of lucidity
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I feel like my life is pointless, no that's not it, I feel like I don't have a life, I never really had my own life, always lived for another, never time for me.
No electricity is really depressing.
It was a mistake to move to a rental with no power and being out of the way for the retreat yet having to come into town more often that desired because of partner's prescriptions.
It's the medical profession that is causing this conflict because of their policies regarding such prescriptions, being lumped in with the street addicts that fail their piss tests and we should be happy with having to pick up twice a week....
Twice a week is too much to deal with, having to drive my partner who has no licence so I don't have a life, really.
I don't feel that I will ever be happy, self powered working artist fitting in part of ...
I feel like I am being punished.
for what.
What did I do in past lives that it has to be this way.
It seems any relationship I have becomes a lead weight weighing me down and prevents me from concentrating on my own work.
Other's needs have been sucking the everything from me.
I kind of miss my old life, with my little family, a husband who weighed me down with lack of initiative and apathy...
Now I am weighed down by someone's medical needs.
Someone's past drug use.
It casts a shadow on every aspect of my life.
And I wasn't even there.
It's not fair, I'd like to be stoned maybe, huh?
Maybe I'd like to not feel so depressed that I can't even function.
My depression is not helping my partner.
But the biggest drug I do is coffee, cigs (which we have to quit) and beer n wine.
It doesn't cut it though.
I've tried speed and liked it, except for the side effects, which are many..... It's been a couple years since I did some.
I don't miss it, I just miss being happy.
I don't think I know how to be truly happy, I don't think I ever had true happiness.
I never had my own life so how could I be happy?
I've always been on the back burner, always waiting for a time when I can do my thing...
I'm afraid I'll be dead before that chance happens.
Like most people who wait until it's too late...
Like my dad, who worked then retired then died, having only had a year of "retirement" before cancer struck.
I swore I wouldn't be a slave like my parents, who were the first to criticize me, yet here I am, still getting what I truly want.
freedom, self belief, independence, yet part of thriving art.
I'm constantly kept running in circles by a system I don't even belong to.
I love my partner but his needs, which are really the system's needs, keep me from my self, my life, my needs.
My life is interrupted.
I hope things work out for the better soon, because I am tired of always looking to the future for what I deserve to have always had:
a studio to work uninterruptedly on my artwork that has always been neglected and underfed.
Meanwhile my body is overfed because my partner is underweight and needs to eat so I eat so he would eat....
It's not fair.
I want to run away, but that's not the answer, is it.
How can I belong anywhere if I can't even belong to myself?
sorry about the depressingness, maybe next post will better.
That'd be nice.
for a change.
Monday, November 19, 2007
what a oain in the ass
I just wrote a post, changed a setting so it would have a break , you know, the
tags and it erased my post.
make it clear that settings should be changed before investing a bunch of time writing a post.
good thing the major part of it is saved because I wrote it earlier.
here it is:
I feel sad because of my feelings of inadequacies, of my lack of accomplishment.
because my son is on his own at 16 and applying for youth assistance because I am not there for him, am not able to be there for him except to send him money when I can, which is getting really tight now, because I am running out of money. My life feel fragmented, I hope getting a job helps the rest of my life.
I don't feel the same as I did a few years back, of course not, its been a few years. Everyone changes. It's a fact, jack.
Losing most of my artwork kinda has something to do with this depression.
I haven't written my woes for a few years. Haven't felt like writing, feeling too numb, wanting to be numb, tired of feeling so much pain in my heart. A sense of loss. Like sand running through my fingers, remember that statement? I sure do. I knew then what was going on, but still tried to make it work and it blew up in my face and as a result still had no time for myself. Who's "myself" anyways?
The saying "you make your bed" kinda applies but to what extent?
somebody's warrant from years before I even met him shouldn't be my bed but I still had to pay for it, get hurt by someone else's karma. It's not fair that I haven't had a chance to breathe, to reconstruct myself, to regroup, to recreate.
To heal.
What's to point of cursing someone who's already cursed? The bitch I trusted with my artwork who took it all for her stupid drugs. I just want my work back. I don't deserve to have all taken away from me just when I find a community that is receptive to my kind of art.
I have nothing to show still because of this continued bullshit concerning moving my material goods, my tools for making more art, I can't keep starting over, time is running out, it always had.
None of us has all the time in the world, Infinity could happen anytime.
We all have an appointment with Infinity.
My feelings of being imprisoned come from simply being in a physical body, from the trials of life. No matter what I do, I'm still encapsulated in this limited casing.
I miss having internet at home, I have this skookum computer and it's being insulted by just playing DVD's.
I haven't even got a graphics program to work on anything new.
Can my blessings please be stronger that my petty cursing? I mean, come on! I know what I want, I know what I don't want, can what I want be stronger? please? I beg the Spirit to listen to my wants, needs and aspirations. I thank the Spirit for helping so far, I don't need the tangled complications from what happened on the Sunshine Coast. That is a place I will never return. I hope my son can appreciate that.
I hope everything works out good for everyone. if not, then I hope everything works out good for my immediate ones, son, his dad, my present partner.
My intuition works pretty good, it my rational mind that needs to believe in it. Like others too, whom I mention what could be, I need to be more self-believing so others can believe me.
well, that's good for now.
Nov 19 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
I have moved away from a town I have come to despise over the last ten years. A town where there is pretension and malicious gossip. A tourist destination for retired and too rich, where an artist cannot make a living.
I have entered a different town where there is thriving artists' community. Where artists are actually doing art and making a living at it and new talent welcomed, not scorned.
I have brought about myself happiness and love by following my dreams and my heart.
Having found someone that approximates, if not, is my soul mate, my physicality is aligning with my etherial world.
material needs are being met and it kind of seems to have something to do with setting one's mind at ease and at peace.
Banished are the grumblers and mumblers. Gone are the pseudo-friendships that sucked the life out of my life.
Enter the focus and light.
Enter the creative opportunities.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
I'm Back It's been a long time Just so you know, things change Time passes and noone is the same Ever. Till next time
Friday, May 28, 2004
Spring had sprung, Beltane had burned brightly and left it's warmth within my heart.
and my yoni.
and my belly.
and my brain.
The warm weather brought more light and understanding. and tolerance.
Me and my partner are going to be homeless in about a week, however we have a camper lined up, we have to get a friend to frive his pick-up to get this camper which fits onto a pick-up as a canopy.
we can live in it, we have a place to park it for the summer.\
I look forward to this summer vacation, to this chance for me and my partner to havve a sort of honeymoon, because our son went to his grandparents tf ro the summer, so we don't have ot worry about him for about three months.
It's fuck n puff time!
woo hoo!
livin in a camper is something I always wanted to do since I was a teen.
Today, on the ferry, my partenr took pictures of me flashing in public. What fun. We are wating to make money with our sexual voracity, such as a internet pay site, however we don't know how to use Paypal and haven't got it together to make it happen.
BNow we have to move, wouldn't it be nice if we had a third party to hold the camera and zoom whre necessey.?
Thatr would be a turn on in itself.
oops, falling asleep at the keyboard, gotta go get some shuteye.
yay, now I can space my sentences.
i WONDER IF THERE IS SPACING NOW
oops, caps lock
Saturday, April 24, 2004
why is there no spacing???
Warmer days ahead Kaph Aleph Nun Yod fortunate fool of transformation as a hermit 20 + 1 + 50 + 9 = 80 or Peh (tower) Beth Vau Nun magician priest of transformation 2 + 6 + 50 = 58 = 13 = 4 or Daleth (empress) The God-dess is/are yearning for union and re-union. The Empress in the Tower, the Yin in the Yang, feminine principle within the masculine, fortress warmed within by wisdom. The mirror was never tarnished, rather perceived as distortion or magnification. The mirror effect being so obvious so as to be unnoticed, like forest for the trees. Like the Earth forgives the parting of Her soils, I love those who are closest to me, after all. . . Love renewed like fresh verdant growth, fecundity festivities in the field, pastoral bovine pleasure with flowery insectile droning in sunshine meditation. birdsong spiralling intricate woven aural tapestries fluttering breezes feathers soft.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Beltane is a celebration of coming fertility. Rebirth and preparation to cultivate what is sown. It is associated with Mayday, when the Maypole is erected and ceremoniously wrapped with colorful cloth in a woven crisscrossing pattern. The pole is a Lingamic symbol, enveloped by the "feminine" principle, the bright cloths. This year Beltane at my place will be closer to what I envision a Beltane celebration to be: facilitating a meeting of the God and the Goddess, represented by myself and my partner. The God and Goddess embrace in eternal union, bringing life to fruition. The Great Rite is performed upon the land. The Goddess fertilized by the God's ardour. Food, fun and frolicking.
