Exacting moments of lucidity
Thursday, October 30, 2003
What an amazing thing, to have a total ride materialize like that! My friend with the van showed up on time, let us borrow it for the whole afternoon while he visited with friends.
It was awesome, we could stop whereever we wanted, we were unhurried, and unstressed.
It was, still is, magical.
Right after the watercolor class, my friend drove me to work, and then drove the van back to my place, where the owner was coming to pick it up.
My day at work was kinda different too... I didn't get to put that much love into the food...
But I did get to make pretty rosettes of tomatoe skins, nestled in the middle of gtreen pepper tops, as a garnish for the wild boar tender loins.
It was head office of the camp I work at, they are hoyty toyty enough to order fancy foods.
I brought home mass leftovers:
wild boar, roast beef, a couple of banana leaf wrapped chicken n veggie things, a "Buddha feast" veggie stir fry, and chickin curry. and hommous with black olives.
and tomorrow's Halloween.
We're havin' a party, but first....
First....
My son and I must go trick or treating for a few hours, till 9 anyways...
Yah, mom trick or treats with her son.
Double the candy.
Double the fun.
And dad hangs out on the street with the dog and a backpack full of candy from the other neighborhood we drove from.
we are on foot this year, so we have our route plotted.
It should bring much bounty of candy.
We can run pretty fast....
I'm going to a watercolor class this afternoon. It's held every thursdays for a few weeks. my friend, who can't walk very far due to a hereditary paraplegiac condition, told me about it, and he went to the first one (I had to work). We have to find rides everytime, because we live far enough from bus stops to make it impossible for him to walk anywhere.
We've managed finding rides so far, last week was a bit of a fiasco... well, due to a lot of factors...
this week, it's dicey; I was hoping to borrow this other couple's car that they sometimes lend out (it was part of last week's fiasco) and finally got an answer on it this morning around 10 (no). About half an hour later, I started looking for another friend's number, who inherited her mom's car and lends it out sometimes too. As I was looking, the phone rang in my hand. I answered and it was yet another friend calling to see if we were home so he could visit... upon mention of needing a ride, he said he just got a van and he'd be totally into it... so he said he'd be here about 12:30...
Earlier this morning, on the internet messenger, I wrote my name as "Pentacular Ace" to which my Elvin friend told me to manifest a car...
And it seems I do that on a regular basis now...
although I do miss having my own car...
The Pentacular Tens are accumulating the coinage to get that mecahnized beast going.
Two Cups and Three Staffs taken with Strength (or Lust) has gotten this biological beast going too!
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
today, we worked without electricity. The power went out yesterday afternoon, and still wasn't on when we came in to work this morning. The stove and the oven are gas fired, so food got made no less. Hoping the power came back on tonight.
I was thinking today of the Earth yielding to the activities of humans.
Of Earth forgiving to the fingers that pry Her loose...
Of Earth forgiving to the fingers that pry Her loose...
I got a ride home with the cook, and saw my friend riding the opposite way on my partner's bike nice n fast with the wind whipping his hair in free abandon, and he had a big smile on his face, and I smiled and my heart swelled as I watched him go... out there in the real world...
I was thinking earlier today, of how a lot of times at work while I prepare food, I start thinking sexy thoughts. The repetitive motions lull me into a trance-like state, and while I meticulously sliced strawberries and grapes for a punch bowl, I meditated on the feeling of expansive love, of me n my husband's incredible drug induced sexual reconnection the weekend before, of kissing my friend (dare I call boyfriend?) and the future potential with him, of bodies sliding and writhing in ecstatic union and re-union...
and just then, the camp janitor, who I like more and more, came up to me and sez, "hey, makin love to the food?" we laughed;
"rubbin the grapes on your nipples..?" and we both laughed harder.
The joke was in referral to a previous day, about two weeks ago, when we were wrapping sandwiches (350 of 'em!). I was sharing my thoughts on "reiki-ing" the food one makes, and mentioned how thinking loving thoughts makes food better. Someone mentioned making love to the food and I grabbed one neatly wrapped sandwich and made a quick groin rubbing gesture with something to the effect of, "ya, give lots o' lovin!" and we had a huge laugh.
and it was so unlike me, yet it felt good to express myself freely. We wondered after about whether the person getting that sandwich would get horny or something.
So the impeccable timing of the last one, while I quietly prepared the punch bowl fruits, and the janitor comes up and brings my thoughts to the auditory level... I was amazed... I was tongue-tied... I wanted to tell her what I was thinking, but the words wouldn't come out.
I tell you, moments are precious, because the next "right time" to mention something might never come.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
I got called to work totally short notice today.
I wasn't into it, but they needed help.
I work in a kitchen of a camp, mostly for kids, but sometimes adult groups book it for weekend whatevers like retreats.
This past weekend was a wedding, and I brought home lots of food.
That's what I like about working in a kitchen, the food is bought on a budget, and the leftovers can't be re-served (most of the time) so there's lots o' food.
I feed my friends.
When they are hungry.
They have their fill,
when they're with me.
Which makes me feel
really quite fulfilled.
why the obsession? because the record's skipping, it hasn't progressed beyond vague references and innuendo... eye contact... those long gazes, full of endless reflections, and ondulations, and caresses...
Looking into your eyes is like visual nectar
I had a thought of the contrast between my eloquence here by myself in front of the screen, remembering these moments and luxuriating in them, and the verbal censorship I inflict on myself when the moment actually happens.
I would like to have moments of verbal unblocking...
I had a thought of a (seemingly) endless reactions, stemming from my initial shyness.
what was the other's perceptions through the beginning stirrings? How did my shyness initially get perceived?
I have too many thoughts in my head right now. It's like I can't concentrate. I wish to fulfill this desire that had become a veritable landscape in my dreamworld.
I also wish to have the verbal eloquence in the moment... that is so much one of the keys.
Monday, October 27, 2003
Today was tiring, uterus contracting and squeezing out my energy... slept through most of the afternoon.
why does this make such a huge space when I press "enter"?
Maybe I'll have something interesting to write tomorrow.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
I don't want to be afraid anymore
May my soil be tilled and fertilized
I ask the Elves to help bring the Goddess out.
I would like to just start writing and then words wil come. I feel the internal doubt in my head, the doubt must be disconnected from my centers, my circuits need a good polishing, the paths must be cleared.
what are the blocks?
fear
why am I afraid?
I'm afraid of criticism.
why?
because it makes me feel inferior, defective.
when something goes wrong, an automatic reaction occurs within me where I take responsibilty for the failure, that, "of course it's my fault"
I never had the chance before to cultivate any sense of my self... None of my "achievements" were recognised. I grew up thinkking I was shit. Sexy shit, but still shit.
at least flowers grow out of shit, so there's still hope.
Speaking of sexy shit and flowers growing out of it, my friends out in their garden with hands covered in dark mud is sexy, sliding fingers into the loamy fertile forgiving earth, planting life wherever they reach, encouraging growth by removing clutter.
I feel at the mercy of external forces.
I am trying to break out of that feeling.
I have to stop trying.
I have to break out.
Shatter the constricting self-imposed conditions... the self-doubt... the fear of criticism.
I have to break out of the idea that anything I really want comes with an emotional price... that kind of thinking is a conditioned reality concocted by my upbringing, my parents' disfunctional values.
I can have what I want if I just talk about what I want...
"What do you want??" he implored forcefully, eyes gleaming with tortured compassion.
Instead of the mute reflected gaze, she wanted to respond, "I want to be made love to"
That is what she wanted. and still wants. and always will want.
This is what I want:
I want to hug more often
I want to be reassured that I'm doing ok.
to be caressed and feel invited to reciprocate.
to have more opportunities to talk about deep matters.
Hot passionate desire encapsulated in my head, banging it's head againts the wall of my skull in the attempt to break out.
I want to slide my body againts yours, to look in your eyes and lean over and kiss you, lips gently parted and caressing...
I have a vision of sharing lives, circles interlocking, a chain male of love.
First comes trust.
First comes talk.
First comes honesty.
Why am I so doubtful? Why am I afraid of asking to make love to my omnisexual friend? Is it because of the "asking" part? I've stated my attraction many times, although most of my communications were veiled and obscure through most of the time.
I have been afraid to ask his partner if I may, I have been afraid of causing trouble and in so avoiding instead created trouble, or so it seems sometimes.
I know his partner is afraid of things going awry, and so am I. So there we are, tangled knots of fear.
There is no loss, only gain. More hands to cook, tend and more hearts to care for each other.
I wish for the best possible outcome for this relationship, it is a special one, and it's obvious that the Goddess brought us together, and that there is a reason for our coming together.
I feel like this process is part of the catalyst for releasing my beast from within its confines of my skull.
Nu 1, help me ride the beast, help me be the Great Whore that I could be, to express my lust in all its holyness, in all its power.
Monday, October 20, 2003
A weekend of fun, dancing for 5 hours straight, embodying Shiva in His eternal dance, spiralling mudras and hips swaying to the rhythm of the african beat. Sweating profusely.
The weekend rained profusely also. It downpoured, reflecting my inner life, of downpouring what I've been struggling to say the past couple months.
Much talking, communicating and clarifying with my friends.
Upon coming home, my partner wanted to do the same stuff I did, so we stayed up all nite together and talked a lot, about the matter at hand. We made love many times, some heart talk invoked Pan and the love making became frenzied and powerful.
Our conversations uncovered many matters, my partner's confessional talk actually brought me to an ecstatic state, of extreme hornyness. I did not find his pubescent sexual explorations to be bad, in fact, I found his tales to be potent sexual inspiration.
Pan, horny lover of Nature; thank you for inspiring me to find my sexual expression, you hot fiery missile of crimson point ...
Still, more needs to be said...
I hear your voice
a reminder of who you are
I see your eyes
inside my mind
I feel your presence
in the words of my bones
You are my secret lover
emanating from within myself
I see your reflection around me
It is intoxicating to see such beauty
I embrace the union
symbolised by the meeting of souls that are a part of each other
Thursday, October 16, 2003
My friend performed a soul retrieval for me, drumming and singing.
I thought of the things I do and the people I know as embodying parts of my soul during the ritual. My friend described what she saw through her animal guide, a black panther:
she saw a psychedelic landscape of mostly greens and round shapes, like a forest, kind of. the panther looke daround, she saw or felt, a green presence that wanted to keep one in that fantasy world. She couldn't find me, then she heard my screams and yelling. The panther came to a big black whirlpool with me in the middle getting sucked in. somehow (i can't remember just now) I grabbed onto the panther and popped out, revealing myself to be a four or five year old little girl with a poofy pink frilly dress... who gestured to hold on there just a sec, she picked up a feather headdress, made with green feathers and a couple white ones. Once she had the headdress, she came out with the panther towards us.
the pink dress represents a youth I didn't really experience, the froo froo girly girl thang. I never wore stuff lilke pink frilly dresses. The color green is prevalent, the pink dress being another heart chakra color, warmer than green and more passionate. I am a Green One, so that color appearing is hardly surprising. The green that liked me to stay there was, I think, the emotional part that likes to indulge in story telling, and fantasising.
The green feathers in my headdress are one of my powers, Mary Evergreen, Ma Eve, Maria Pastorale
Attraction
Pulling my center like gravitation of celestial bodies. twin stars
Alluring and enticing with majik words and colorful plumage.
Sinuous tendrils of caressing smoke
caressing.. . . . . . . . . .
why do I love you so much? Why do I think of your eyes, your mouth, how your lips felt againts mine, such a short kiss, longing for more. How you look at me, how you seem to swell with love when we look at each other, how your gaze shifts inward and I feel the rush of sensual love flood my circuits. This is a powerful attraction, that's why I treaded so carefully, it's an attraction that involves more than two people, I wish everyone involved to gain from this. The cards were favorable with the possibility, with the sidedish of caution. I sometimes think I was too cautious this summer, that I "wasted" divine opportunities.... well, that's just it, I don't want to define it as "opportunity"... it sounds predator-like... which brings me to a latest revelation of myself, that I am afraid of being a pig like my brother who broke my cherry, and my mom's second husband who diddled me under the guise of "backrubs".
I wish to embrace you in my arms and my legs
I want to unfold within your loving embrace
Gentle, soft, slow kiss.
crazy passion of ancient lives reunited to love again
I am indulging in this feeling..... I wallow in the indulgence... it is inspiring to the point of writing these words, the heart center opening up, the root center opening up, the sexual center, oh ya, that's opening up, wide open... in my mind,... I haven't made the reality leap of implementing what I know into practical life yet.... I used to feel like I was all in my third eye center and the crown, that sex didn't matter, that I could live without it, but the need to feel physical contact is very real. It cannot be denied, but people don't have to get totally sexual with everyone they know, but it is ok to "feel" horny feelings, sensuous feelings about one's friends. This one, this attraction, this pull, this magnetism, this alluring look in your eye, these words you speak and write, and the signs of the universe approving, numbers and words and songs and tv shows and magazines....
I am your sister, we are reflections of each other.
I am your mother, I gestated you and birthed you out into the world, all shiny and wet, sparkling clean.
I am your daughter, unformed, uneducated, coming from the great void and learning from the heart.
I am your lover, sinuous tendrils of caressing smoke, enticing a gravitation of attraction, enfolded within my legs and my arms.
Approximate, because I have been so vague, like Pluto in the sky with diamonds (wait, that's PSD...)
My arrival is still an estimate because I've been busy working (ya, blame it on the job) .... and so hesitant and squirmy and hedgy in the landscape of my mind ...
Lustful desires built up over the summer, unexpressed; or, at best, expressed in such a roundabout way that it only added to the confusiuon felt inside me. Mars coming in close was a great time for such explorations, but I was beset with self doubts and fear of rejection/disapproval "wotta slut" even though I knew, I consciously knew, that my friends would not think of me that way if I followed my heart. Yet I was still too scared to jump............ . . . . . .
A deep attraction developed between two entities, one being wise in words, the other being wise in pictures.
Vines and flowers growing and blooming over and around a lattice.
Societal conditioning to overcome, hurdles and obstacles of shame and taboo. Censored by fear of hurting the mates on either side.
Overcoming the blocks of feeling unworthy. . . . . . . . .
I am your sister, we are reflections of each other.
I am your mother, I gestated you two together and birthed you out together, all shiny and wet, sparkling clean.
I am your daughter, unformed, uneducated, coming from the great void and learning from the heart.
I have lived life with great trepidation, I now wish to live it to the fullest. . .
the full moon, swollen with potential, shining silver like a pearl, in Her big oyster sky. . . . . . . . .
I feel so much. . . . . . . . Aaaaaahhhhhhh. . . . . . . . . Ecstatix
