Exacting moments of lucidity
Sunday, November 30, 2003
I got so wound up in my tangent a couple hours ago (amidts interruptions), that I didn't get to another part of making connections:
I made arrangements previously in the day with ShadiElf for him to stop by and visit at my place, we hadn't seen each other in over a week. Electronic communication just doesn't cut it when it comes down to it, 3D presence is crucial to emotional communication. I wasn't sure exactly what time he was gonna show up, but it didn't matter, because I expected to just be home all day and was looking forward to seeing him.
Not so. at 2 o clock, a friend drives up and invites me to a erotic "tupperware" kinda party. She said she was already late for it, so I had to decide fast... I hardly go out to do fun stuff like that, that was one reason to go. actually, that was the main reason. She had her baby in the car seat, sleeping peacefully. She said she didn't want to stay too long, and I agreed, hoping upon returning to see my Elvin friend lest he came by later than sooner. (there was no such things as phones in my mind at that particular time...) My decision was so quick that I was still wearing my 99 cent flip flops. and there was no phone where I was going.
It was a gauche-inducing situation, and I flaked out on my friend, not remembering to phone him to tell him about the change of plans. I so need to learn that kind of event juggling. I feel the ability to juggle events is linked to the ability to maintain trusting thus loving relationships. Balancing between one's needs and the needs of another, or many others. Taking other's feelings into consideration, yet not denying my own.
After all, at the end of the day, we got together and talked over a yummy Irish strong beer. Then we proceeded to the party down the street. and had more beer. and laughed a lot. it was a good time, it was. I really enjoyed the mildly drunk interaction, playing a hilariously bad game of pool and an even more hilarious game of Foosball. and rescuing Shadi from a bathroom trapdoor. (my hearing worked good enough to hear his knocking, when noone else seemed to hear... how interesting... connections... )
Grateful Dead that I never heard before was played, and now I see why they rock. It was a live recording of a 6 hour jam and it sounded very nice, the guitar work sounded like a lace (just picture sound as image or texture) the sounds were interlacing. That's the hippy music I like. (I've only heard top 40 radio songs of the Grateful Dead, so that's why I never saw the big deal about that band before... I heard music like that before, at friend's house but never knew who it was)
So that's it. I think I'm really done, take me out of the oven. don't touch yet! it's still too hot... blow on it.... ;o)
I was looking through my thesaurus today, and someone circled the word "longing"...
I wonder who did that?.... hmmmm...... someone who is also yearning, pining, hunger, desire, wish...?
I went to a "erotic ware" party yesterday afternoon. I like to call it a dildo party.
this company has a line of lingery and loungewear www.undercoverwear.com
and a line of oils, lubricants and toys www.bedroommagic.com
You get some free stuff, Depending on how much sales are generated when you host one of these get togethers. I like the getting together with friends and laughing part.
So there ya go, any of you readers out there in digi land can have your own party by contacting them on their website for your area (USA and Canada).
There's some stuff I wouldn't mind indulging in.... toys are always fun.
Who knows, maybe I'll ring the doorbell, "ding dong calling!" (no offence to Avon)
My mom was an Avon representative in the late 70's. I loved it, every month we'd get a box of new stuff. She had moved to being an area rep, where she would host big gettogethers with all her local representatives. They smoked so much, the room would be hazy.
That was a fun time for me and my mom, after her divorce from my dad, before her second marriage ...
I have to delineate a conceptual tangent here, the last sentence opened up a whole litany that kept going. . . so there it is:
... marriage to a total jerk - Floyd Aubrey Brown - ya that's right - I'm naming a name - he has to have some kind of consequence from diddling his new wife's 11 year old daughter's pussy - under pretext of "backrubs" - even though it was over 20 years ago - kids are still getting diddled by "trusted" family members and it's time to TALK and EXPRESS the truth; all you out there who have experienced physical breach of trust, believe in yourself, don't let him/her make you keep it a secret. IT IS NOT A SECRET!!! THEY WANT THE SECRET BECAUSE THEY KNOW ITS WRONG - THEY KNOW IT HURTS!!!!)
It feel it is an important message - it reflects the same kind of secrecy behind the multinational military thingie, the presidents diddling the self-denying people. They have to keep it secret, because abuse thrives in denial and secrecy.
OK. Now I finished this tirade.
I am working through a lot of internal connections, and I feel like I am making progress. Transforming the past abuse into information for thwarting future abuse.
The future has to be about unconditional love, and everyone having the safety and freedom and trust to flower in their most resplendant development, because everyone wants to be loved and to feel good about themselves.
Everything likes to be loved.
No conditions.
I'd like to see some good videos of erotica in this town too.
There was a small porn section in the back of the local video store about 6 years ago. New management got rid of it, and replaced some cooler weirder movies with the usual white-bred formula shlock. Anyways, the little porn they did have before then was pretty paltry anyways. Really boring and bad. Like cheeply done. They didn't even have Ginger Lynn movies.
So I'd like to see a better video place open in this town. One where one can find alternative movies, cult classics, obscure art movies, adult animation, erotica and quality porn (there are some)
there. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
Saturday, November 29, 2003
1 unit
I nuit
thinking of a dress up party....
outrageously glamourous to ethereal faeries to thunderous elemental spirits
feather boas, silken veils, jingling bells , resplendent robes and fur loincloths...
antlers and horns, antennas and crowns
masks, makeup, theatrical or otherwise.
photos for properity
photos for a calendar
13 in all
Thirteen moons with 28 days each, and one Day out of Time.
Let's form a wheel
our Intentions at the hub
directing the motion
my intention: to instill inspiration in others so as to instill inspiration in myself.
(I thought I just wanted to get a calendar together to sell...)
A costume party would be a lot of fun, and a calendar could very well happen after all.
credits to all participants, who also get to have a bunch of calendars to sell, if they wish (who doesn't want to make money?).
Align Intentions, so we are focussed.
Me, it's art and self expression. It's to help others feel Impressed by their own Selves and Express their Findings.
Expression of a Real Self is so much more interesting than ... wow, have to think of that one, because some activities that are boring to me are exciting to others, like playing video games, or playing bridge.
Is playing a car racing video game Expressing Yourself?
It kind of seems like Passing Time to me. Like waiting for Something to happen. External dependance.
De pen dance. De pen dances when I get inspired to write something meaningful. What do I depend on to get inspired? Late night solitude brings me much to write about. or draw. DEPENDing on what is readily available...
My inspirations depend on having readily accessable tools, so the idea is fresh as I start to work on it immediatly. When I look for stuff, spending even ten minutes "setting up" (looking everywhere for this or that) erodes a fresh impression, thus diminishing the moment of inspiration.
Organizing is supposed to be my sun sign's forte...
Celestial metaphor of my self:
Mercurial need for knowledge
Distraction by warm comfortable enjoyment
Rising sun and dewy grass
Quietly grazing with friends
Rutting and stampeding whenever the inspiration strikes...
letting hedonistic desires be a distraction to my need to Organize. Doesn't have to be that way. I have to come home to a Clean House if I want to get High... As Antero worded so well.
Of course, it's not just a toro inhabiting a field in my soulscape, there's a woman that is learning to caretake the environs. Sometimes she's like a young girl of four, sometimes she resembles an old wisened hag; but her usual allure is of an ageless quality, could be early twenties, or late teens if the light is right, or could be early forties, if the light was right... She realizes the meaning of light, and Light.
This woman used to just let the toro roam freely, which is fine for the animal, but noone knew where the creature went off to. It's absence created anxious feelings within the woman, who was then quite young, in linear time (as a young child, the woman would pretend to be a grown woman, a witch, or an "Indian" (child-concept of Shaman) with powers - powers to grow her hair really fast, and make the color purple appear at will anywhere she wished it)
While the woman then-child dreamed and fantasized, her toro roamed, and sometimes trampled on others without even her knowledge, at least consciously.
She learned over time of her emotional ambivalence, of the way she believed she felt a certain way in certain situations... pause for a thought here... what situations are they?
a notion of the ones where she doesn't say clearly, nay, STATE, her wishes toward a particular outcome, especially when the wheels of decision had already started moving.
Her ambivalent emotions of wanting everyone to be happy, of not creating a "disturbance" (quoted here because "creating a disturbance" is but a distorted projection of my *previously* conditionned reality)
She has become aware of how she would put her own needs aside for the needs of the "collective", her family... Which is not a bad quality, we could use a bit of altruism in our world, especially from multi-millionaires.
However, this woman found her middle, so to speak, of where her needs extend, from her own personal needs to the needs of another, to the needs of many others.
She knows that her deepest needs, those of communal living and close kinship and spiritual devotion, overlap the needs of others.
She also knows that the God-dess provides, the messages come to her ever opening ears, eyes, heart. Yoni.
The woman is becoming more aware of the power of her Yoni. It's beauty, and capability for Healing and inspiration.
This is when she caught sight of that toro, as something intriguing, and familiar.
She always knew it was around, but because of the inappropriate physical attraction it's appearance created in her early years, she learned to ignore it's power, and to downplay its sheer beauty, to hide under ragged cloths its rippling muscles shining their topography upon a black sheen of fine mediterranean hide.
She called that esthetic tactic (esth tactic) wearing a "asshole filter". Actually, one of her soul-kin coined that phrase, giving her a word description to that state of being.
Her emotional moon twin, the one that hides true feelings, the one that hides behind mamman's knees, the one whose throat constricts when there something to be said, something only she can say; that twin is coming out.
That twin wants the shadows though. It, or she, feels that there is an element to the shadow that is needed. A need for the sweetly mysterious, poetic suggestions of ghostly embraces, pregnant with desire and quiet anticipation of eventual physical union...
The woman in the field of my soulscape is fixing the roof on the barn where her toro can take refuge during rainstorms. She has taken ownership of the huge animal, knowing it can be reined, befriended, and ridden. It can be Controlled, and its help can be enlisted for Important Tasks.
Her lunar twin, bright enough to light the way during dark times, disappears when bathed in conscious daylight...
Her wishes and needs being found in the void, in the absence of meaning, between utterances. The silence between the words. The quiet between the thoughts.
The lunar twin's language being emotional, riding on the tides.
the tides of what?
I was gonna say the tides of others' emotions... but that's not what I want to aim for. I want my emotions to ride the tides of ... geez.... the tides of time, or something like that. Riding a wave of Now.
Feeling my emotions right ... Now.
Feeling what I feel right Here and right Now.
Or left, if I want to lean that way...
Having been reminded, so many times, so many ways, sometimes exasperatingly, sometimes with infinite patience, to FEEL... right now, what am I feeling? what do I want??
The reminders coming from another soul-kin, the heartfelt admonitions come from deep affection, from one who Remembers the Original Intention...
May All receive guidance such as what I am receiving, given in Perfect Love and Perfect Trust.
The woman, in her field of timothy grass and alfalfa, distant buzz of bees pollinating and butterflies resting while slowly flexing their elegant wings, watches her spectacle with inner wonder. She is that place, fervent with life, fecund with toro compost...
She touches the beast on the muzzle, feeds it handpicked alfalfa flowers. It blinks it's big brown eyes after accepting the fragrant gift from its keeper.
Its keeper.
Sometime, the toro will become the woman.
The woman will become the toro.
Snorting, pawing the ground.
But that toreadorean game, the woman is quite sure, has to be "played" in safe company...
but then again, the belief of thinking it has to be within the confines of "safety"... the belief itself becoming fluid, dripping between the fingers of perceptual cupped hands, trying to hold the ideology.
"Becoming the toro" might be the Key, or one of the Keys, to what this woman ... thinks... she might want to achieve.
And that a Belief she might want to adopt, if there is a belief to adopt, is to believe that she can be her toro anywhere she bloody well please.
That the idea of "becoming one's toro" is not such a freaky deaky thing she might have not even dared to imagine...
It simply means to stand firm in what she believes in.
Not get pushed over... use inner bovine strength for standing up to otherwise pushy influences, without becoming rigid or stubborn.
White Buffalo Woman, She of the Message of Unity through Vision and, subsequently, Healing. She of the Peace Pipe, and how to share its gifts of Council amongts Equals.
Buffalo Spirit of the North, strength of character, manifestator of reality, reminding of the power of large presence, of solid consciousness, of direct connection to Mamma Earth, to Heart Core Love, reminding of eternal cycles of bounty during lean times.
Earth Spirits, my Kindred, keepers of Earth Light Heart Core, ancient Family members finding each other.
Tribes of Earth, Air, Fire and Water, One Family on this Angelic entity known by many names, She of the uncountable names, whom I refer right now, as Gaia.
Our Great Mother offers Gaia-dance when one seeks, even if the seeking is but an inkling of subconscious yearning. She knows, because each of us are Her.
Earth can be Him also, the Great Earth Father, Green Man, Leaves and branches, rugged bark of gnarly apple trees silhouetted in the penumbral moonlight.
Old Man, Ancient of Days.
Reminder of eternal Patience, of layered Knowledge, much like geologic layers, information preserved for those who seek.
The Great Horned One, dancing on adept hooves, wearing hides and fur, becoming any animal for every living thing is an Expression of the Divine Father, the Divine Son.
Ani Ma Love, primal passion, yearning and reaching...
Male Earth Spirit is Dionysian, reminding of sensory fulfillment, of hedonistic pleasure, of enjoying the fruition.
Reminding of the yearning for Union with Source, Union with Kin, Union with the Encapsulating Presence. Yearning for polarity balance, yearning for Expression of Love, yearning for Freedom.
Great Sky Mother Ki, Inanna Queen of Heaven, ineffable Nuit, encapsulating us in Her Being, in Her Womb. Birther of the Cosmos.
Great Sky Father, Ra, fertilizing crops with sun and rain, with His radiant Love, with His Semen. Mover of the Cosmos.
Teachers of Cycles. Teachers of Eternity.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
An e-mail that I sent to my mom on November 23 - it came back, she had moved again.
Hi mom
I think about you and wonder...
about whether I'll see you again
will we ever talk eye to eye?
I wonder...
what your beliefs are these days, what would you do if you were king of the world, if you were in charge of it all... I'll tell you what I would do in the next email. You have to tell me what you would do. :o)
You're retired now. I hope you had a celebration, you deserve recognition for all you put up with.
You have time now, you can draw pictures again.... what do you like to draw? you once told me about having been censored in the area of nude drawing (that always raised my ire)...
Draw nudes again, mom.
Drawing nudes feels good.
You knew what was right as a youth.
Most kids do, really, know what's right for them.
Landscapes? portraits? I know you were always into art and drawing. Music. Do yourself a favour and get yourself a keyboard. You are an artist, mom. You always have been an artist and I feel that you gave up personal activities for the family obligations upon initial marriage. I remember the needle-point, of an olive skinned girl with brown hair, that you made for my room. and the painting "peut-tu me pondre un oeuf", who painted that? I know it was a print, not an actual painting. I'd like to see the image again.
You deserve to be known for who you really are.
Not someone's wife, someone's mom, someone's sister.
You.
I sent you an astrological birth chart. I'm not sure what you think of that stuff.
I found the exact time of my own birth; it's written on a corner of a paper that's taped to the inside of the last page of my pink baby book, I didn't find that corner peice till this summer. You n dad always said 7 or 8 pm (that made me pisces rising) but this little paper corner says 9:43 pm. Quarter to ten. Which makes me Taurus rising.
C'est pour ca que j'ai toujours ete tetue. Bete, meme. (how do you get the french accents on emails?)
I am a Beast, and I'm owning that part of myself more and more, which makes me purr instead of yowl... ;o) or moo instead of snort
When you came to visit with Aunti, we hardly exchanged words. She did all the talking. She's a nice friendly shield. What was it like to have a sister like that growing up?
Mom, I think it would be a good idea for you to come visit us, just you, so we can discuss where we stand. So we can stand as equals.
You gave birth to a seeker, mom.
My name means to know (Con = to know) stance, to know where I stand.
under stand?
My partner's parents are coming the weekend of Dec 2. You could join for that...
I can't visit you , mom. I apologize if that hurts you.
My son is learning how to make Flash animated things, with video game characters. Hours of painstaking clicking.
here's his site: www.geocities.com/eegrop
I'm gestating a proposal for a grant for an all ages youth hangout place. with dance floor, DJ's booth, kitchen, lounge, library, with resources and harm reduction. There's a building by the mall that would be perfect.
Partner is away overnight working on a reno job.
For a month and a half I worked at Camp Elphinstone. that's a job I'll prob go back to in spring. (camp closes for winter) I work in the kitchen. I like those big pots and spoons.
I got in touch with my childhood friend, she's a gentle soul. She described to me her experience of when her dad died. bladder cancer. He couldn't express himself, his second wife was somewhat censoring apparently, and he couldn't express himself so much, that his body imitated his mind....
Scary.... made me think..... kidney stones , your birth mom died of those, according to the sterile description on the adoption report.... she could have gotten them removed but she didn't have the money.
She died of poverty..... and remains nameless.
and mom? I would be angry too at the woman who would abandon me at an orphanage, or at the situation that must have forced her to choose giving up her baby. What about your siblings? were they adopted too? scattered her seeds to the winds.
I don't feel the resentment of being given up, because you held on to me, and loved me. Like I loved my son in my arms, and still love him a lot.
The early years are so important, to feel safe inside... It must have been scary in that big ol' orphanage, rows of cribs.... crying sounds, praying nuns, contorted Jesus statues.... Roman Catholic imagery of grotesqueries, torture and self denial. No wonder you have no recollection of those early years.
You deserve recognition, the little four year girl inside needs to be recognized. So talented, artistic, and pretty.
Agelessness seems to run in our veins, mom. You look good. I still fit in my patchy jeans I used to wear in '83, except for the waist, I fold that down so they are more like hip-huggers now.
Remember how you would want me to not wear such frayed or ragged or mismatched clothes?
I used to watch you put your long hair in a tight bun, and wanted you to let it down, to let it drape on your shoulders.
I am learning to express myself, and to not hang on to outdated thought patterns. The victim mentality is being eroded in favour of triumphant compassion. I can't forget what it's like to feel like I used to. So I can help others pull through their disillusionments.
I eat huckleberry leaves too. they are good for preventing stone deposits.
So's cranberry. and dandelion greens in the spring. bitter herbs are good for eroding deposits.
I'm not suffering from any discomfort, but can you relate to me how it felt, to develop a kidney stone? or that other one you had, gallstone? What were your first sensations? How old were you when the first one hit? I remember being at Camp Edphy during an operation you had.
I wish to express my gratitude for your love, and eventual acceptance of my wild nature.
Like my partner's tattoo quietly proclaims, hidden under his shirts, "LIVE FOR FREEDOM"
well, that's it for now.
maybe we'll see each other soon,
I love you mom,
Marie Evergreen
wait, there's more....
What's a big deal these days?
In 69, when you turned 30, man on the moon must have been a big deal. Did you watch it on tv? was it even a big deal to you?
Mom, what was a big deal for you and your friends at that time? the war in Vietman? Trudeau being so cute? the FLQ crisis? (the 2x4 that crashed thru front window - I remember looking at broken window) family events? husband's affair? someone else's husband's affair?
Please excuse my going on. I don't aim at blaming, or attack or any polarizing sentiment.
I just want to relate. with my mom. I came out of your pussy, Mom. My son came out of mine.
That's pretty powerful.
We are the Goddess, mom. All women are reflections of Her. All men are reflections of Her also. Just like all are reflections of the God.
What's a big deal these days for me and my friends?
working towards communal living
In the meantime, we exchange healings
a lot of healers/bodyworkers need business cards
and I needed (still need) healing touch
it's a copacetic arrangement.
I'm ready though, now, to allow myself to heal others
I'm putting it out there in the world that I need a portable massage table.
I feel so much love for so much world, that I cry..... It's a welling up feeling in my chest, a picture to symbolize the feeling would be an overflowing cup. Crisp clear pure H2O pouring from the deepest recesses. Hydrogen and Oxygen, attraction and bonding, Love is what makes the world go round.
Really, physics is starting to uncover this fact, that Love is the basis for all existance. By Love, I mean the power of attraction and union. The atoms stick together for a reason, and our human brains can understand the concept of the motive behind atomic arrangements as "Love".
I really do get these little quiet episodes when I weep, usually sparked by huge gratitude for what I have as this entity called Constance, and what the Earth feels, a huge forgiving behemoth entity, forever giving birth and taking life back, and so many people. So many hungry people, and so many other minds waking up to this reality.
Remember when I cried for no apparent reason when I was really young? I wonder if some of those cries were raptuous in origin, but the socio/parental expectations of crying created a definition of "crybaby" or "shiawlante" (spelling) a crying child meaning "to need attention, but parent feels helpless to cure the crying" instead of "she's just feeling like that, she's just expressing that feeling, we don't have to try to fix it"
Healing means to come together.
I'd like to know what made your present husband so bitter. The experience of his previous marriage? His childhood? did his dad abuse him? His relationship with his mom seemed cordial, I mean, it's not like I ever saw them really talking besides the necessary banter. Who knows what was never told.
I want to recognize his support in my art, and I'm grateful for the times he sported printing business cards for me, and the pile of airbrush stencil boards. I still have some. I know he did what he could, and I know he was kinda proud to see me be such an artist.
You mentioned the oil painting of a horse during your visit but I forgot what you said about it. I would like the painting if it's no longer displayed and just stashed somewhere.
The last time we visited you, during my son's birthday weekend in 98, you lived on 54th or 57th or whatever. We could see Richmond and hear the industrial hum. The place had a disrupting frequency, lots of low level drone sounds. During our visit, at dinner table, your partner was going on about bullies and how he beat the shit out of them, and how he taught his son to do the same to his own bullies. I didn't have much to say about that, maybe something like wishing I could have beaten the bullies in my schoolyears. My mind was filled instead with Celtic legends, of stories about brave warriors. and my son said something about wanting to be a cop when he grows up. He'd already heard about warriors, he'd recently seen Braveheart. So I described to Sloan how cops are like the warriors in the stories, how they are supposed to protect people, and this quote from a Yeats compilation came to me then, "a warrior protects the weak, and the strong fear him"
The utterance of "strong fear" made your partner tweak.
He went off on me. He must have been thinking of something that really pissed him off, maybe the memories of his childhood tormentors was still haunting him, he looked like he was watching a football game.
Next thing I know he's yelling at me, I think I said something like, "I wasn't even talking to you"
"If you don't shut up, I'll punch you right now." and he turned to my partner, "and you're not gonna do anything about it"
My partner put his arms up in surrender, telling yours it was his house, he could do what he wants....
and you stood up for me, in the kitchen, when he tried to get you involved in the insanity. "Fuck off" you said. Then he stormed off.
That was weird, mom.
Being threatened to be punched is not something to take lightly. He was mad at his own son for getting another girl pregnant.
He was in a really angry state of mind. roiling boiling rage, with no where to point it.
Except towards someone who still retains teenage idealisms. "Just like when she was a teenager" He was right, I remembered and retained my youthful idealism. My willingness to try new things, to reject an old thought for a new one. I suppose that kind of free energy is enraging to someone who feels trapped beneath years of frustration.
Then you drove us home, on the ferry, down the highway, no words were spoken.
Until it was time for you to leave to get the ferry back, we hugged and you released a bit of your heavy feeling. We cried together for a minute or so. It felt like the last time we were to hug like that.
I had to go through this scenario, because the attack came out of nowhere (actually, there were lots of clues to your partner's state of mind that I did not pay attention to due to my own immersion in my own head)
Maybe I have an infantile yearning for an apology.
I'll never get an apology from your second husband for breaching my physical space and trust.
My brother, I think, has decided to pretend he never forced himself on me. It happened, Mom. He cajoled me and convinced me, that it was like a science experiment.
He has daughters. May they be outspoken and not let anyone take their power from them. May they not be afraid to tell.
That was a weird year for me, Mom, between my 11th and 12th birthday (78/79) , I went through some kind of initiatory phase, some kind of karmic lesson about the power of sexuality, how sacred it is. And how powerful it is in pubescent girls, how girls should be allowed to be beautiful, sexy and alluring without having to give in to lecherous advances. or to be called a slut because she's attractive. The high school mentality is really bad for healthy self image.
Remember when I started to wear a string around my head like a headband? that was after California, in St Lambert.
You know what Mom? I'm grateful that you were into the Beatles. That I ended up hearing their songs a lot. The Beatles were a beacon, or a stabilizer, or a reminder of what's real. I wore a headband in the attempt to emulate the hippy thing the Beatles had going on the Sargeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. We were watching TV together, me and you, Floyd was out, and we cried when John Lennon's death was announced.
It was a dove shot out of the air.
The Beatles music reminded me of what is important - love. When we lived in California, I had carved "LOVE" on my thigh with a sewing needle..
In Burnaby, I carved "LOVE IS" on my left forearm, again with a sewing needle. I employed a back and forth scratching motion to achieve the markings. They are no longer visible, except for a faint vestige of scar on my arm.
Then I wrote "LOVE" with my socks and underwear on my bed when I "ran away". My friend came up with the idea of putting my house key in the middle of the "O", just to add confusing meaning to the arrangement.
I don't remember if we've ever talked about this episode without hard feelings.
I'd like to give an explanation to why I ran away.
A failing report card was the catalyst for wanting to run away. I didn't want to deal with yours or especially Dad's reaction to failing school marks.
I was already miserable from being ostracized at school and being picked on by my brother.
In California I wanted to run away, to make my way across the US to NY, to where my old friend lived, but that was too daunting. I was too alone to try a trek like that. I knew I was a sucker, that opportunists saw that quality in me. Me and my big brown eyes!
My best friend in high school was one of the few that told me to stand up for myself, even though she hated the Beatles! and I hated her favorite band, AC DC. and that was ok.
Mom, I look at my son, and I see a whole new world. We hang out together, like friends.
He has a friend who has to deal with a mom who won't let him be... where he has to phone her every three hours or something like that. She won't let him sleep over because, according to him, she thinks we're a cult. Because of a Mayan calendar I keep count on in the kitchen, and one day, his mom's ex-boyfriend, came over to get him and I offered him a cup of coffee. A joint was passed around, the guy smoked from it, then proceeded to hand it to the kid, who wasn't gonna fall for that one. He knew he wasn't supposed to smoke pot at his age. My partner mentioned that we don't pass joints to the kids around here. This guy was drunk too, and started to get on the kid's case about nothing because he couldn't handle his own inadequacies.
This kid got told (I was there to hear it) by his mom that he cost her 3000 dollars in lawyer costs to keep custody from Child Services. I've told him later that it wasn't his fault his mom had to spend that much money, that it was the pressure put on her by Child Services that she unconsciously heaped onto her 13 year old son's shoulders.
He comes over here a lot, we told him he can stay here anytime. He wants to live with us. He's 14, I think 15 is when you're allowed to live on your own. He's extremelly bright, I gave him a unicycle and he got really good at it. I think it got stolen though....
This kid hangs out everywhere, lots of storeowners know him in Lower Gibsons and he is well liked by them. His mom does a Karaoke thing in different places, mostly bars. I don't think she's making that much money at that. She is afraid of failing, and of seeming like a "bad parent".
All I can do is offer a safe place and intelligent conversations. and lots of laughing.
My son's other friend has skipped out of school (grade 8) and come over here. He's done that a couple times. He comes in the door and explaims, "fuck I hate school!" and I agree with him. I told him that he can come here if school gets to be too much. I also told him that he can't go telling everybody about being allowed to come here to skip out.
I feel like the kind of parent that you hated. Like my best friend's mom. You didn't like her style of living, the trailer park welfare pass the rum and cigarettes, let's play gin rummy.
I am not bowing to the system. I refuse to be a slave. I refuse to force my son to do something he hates and really doesn't want to do. Like sit at a desk in utter boredom. and get grades like "C" and told he wasn't good enough, "he could do so much better".
I have the power and the freedom to allow my son the freedom the learn what he wants whenever he wants. He gets a lot of discussing about life.
So do his friends. Maybe that's why they like to come over. I like talking about what's important to these kids. I like to hear them describe whatever.
They don't get to pick any electives in grade 8. I couldn't believe it. The kid wanted to take art, but they put him in drafting and woodwork.
I want to start an alternate school and call it, "School of Natural Learning". It's up to the kid to decide what he/she wants to learn.
Another friend of my son's, a girl, apparently has an interest in the occult and witchcraft kinda things. I asked him to tell her that I can help her answer some questions she might have about such a huge subject. Books I can lend her.
I may have gotten my tubes tied to prevent pregnancy, but I can still help raise other kids.
An adult voice of reason in the murky reality of a depressed teen is like a beacon.
I guess I'm trying to make a healing here.
To see the reasons behind people's behavior. To see that some people are so enmeshed in what they believe to be true, that, as Jesus was quoted as saying, "forgive them, for they know not what they do"
There was a lot of unconscious behavior in our family dynamic in the 80's. We were at the mercy of programmed beliefs and automatic responses and hurt egos afraid to hurt more.
well, this turned into a little book or something, eh?
bye Mom
Love
M.E. again.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
What do you know...
I started printing my images (they're printing right now) and I put on one of my favorite sounds of all time: Ravel's Bolero.
and his other Rhapsodies.
As a child, when I was 9 or 10, I adopted a record from my parents' collection: it had a picture of a little metal staatue of a pixie or fairie (it reminded me of my Brownies pin) planted in sand and thh photo was all greenish, with suggestion of green flames. The name of the album was El Amor Brujo and I used to listen to the song with the trumpets that seemed to announce the entrance...
The day after Earth day 1994, me and my partner had borrowed a car from a girl we knew, and subsequently went to a music store we never been to before, and I found this album I'm listening to now, a "Weekend Classic" featuring Bolero, Rapsodie Espanole and El Amor Brujo.
The title blows me away. I didn't know what it meant when I was a kid, except for a vague idea that "amor" meant love.
The Love of the Sorcerer. or maybe it's meaning is Bewitched Love.
Oh d,d,d,dear as piglet would say.
So again...
What do you know... I feel better. I accept my solitude as a gift from the Universe.
I do admit to having asked for solitude at one time or another. So here I am.
Printing my art does eventually make money.
And that feels good too.
I guess I'll print some greeting cards of my artwork on what good paper I got left.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm insane.
I wonder if I'm doing ok, if I'm sliding into oblivion.
I've been alone a lot lately, reading and writing.
not making money.
the world going on, while I sit and smolder and burn away to nothing...
I feel like my life is just a whisp of smoke, drifting in the wind, getting dissipated.
I feel so alone.
Last weekend I tripped out on me and my partner's relationship with our two friends. Tarot cards and the paths on the tree of life, how our astrological correspondences to the paths configure to form a kind of self supporting entity. I'm a connection between our friends, and my partner is a reinforcer, or stabilizer.
That's just great, now what?
So what.
I was alone, and that's what I ended up thinking about.
Where do I really stand?
I'm feeling cynical about this polyamory thing.
I'm feeling rather lonely, and trapped yet again.
Trapped in my head.
Does my path have to be so lonely?
I wish for someone to read me books while I do artwork.
I wish for intelligent company, for communal living.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
I wish to state a clarification
Upon first meeting, I recognized these guys
As we got to know each other more, I still felt that first deep connection
very deep connection
it made perfect sense to me
didn't feel like I had to question it
because I knew that it was true...
the strong feelings of deep connection
turn into deep love
my conditionned mind saw the beauty and fell in love with him.
My mind loved the beauty so much that it wanted to have sex with him.
But that was the catalyst, that's what hung in the balance.
my erotic feelings got filtered into the compartment of "crush".
crush: to press, pressure, crowd
geez, who came up with "crush" for being in love?
Someone who felt pressured...
the wiring in my brain of the sex - erotic - love got untangled.
The knot is untangled
thanks to the tarot and the qabalistic Tree of Life
maps of the mind
my feelings now? the love is even more so.
desperate yearning for physical contact? not so much now. It's not desperate anyways.
there's no pressure now.
no crush.
Just Love.
Just Us.
Just Me.
I sat alone for two nights
contemplating
being with me
just me
I thought about a lot of things
wondered
Tonight I made a breakthrough
but there was no doubt I was going to make it, the question was when?
Even though I knew, it was 6 months ago and the 6 of Staffs told me when, and who.
I figured out what I am to my relations, to my friends
I am a link
a Gaia-ding Light
The Light reminds others of their Light
Guiding
Reminding
Cloaked in darkness, only the Light is seen
I really am who I think I am.
I needed a map to explain
ex-plane
to lay out flat
like a map
the numbers satisfy the ruling Emperor who now sits as a believer
My Light is turned on
I moved it to my other hand because it was blinding a Shadi Elf
Sorry dude
The light is in the center now
My inner dragon is in it's natural environment now
it is not a danger
unless I make it so
heh heh
Friday, November 14, 2003
All are within the One is within All are within the One is within All
MACRO: An example of many nations' experience : "The decision ... will be made in secret. Why secret? Because the government knows that Canadians oppose missile defence."
Maude Barlow - Author and volunteer Chair of the Council of Canadians
MICRO: An example of many people's experience (gender is hypothetical) : The man will meet his lover and the meeting will be made in secret, because he thinks he knows that his partner opposes the affair.
- macro and micro -
except that the affair is workable, and the missile defense thing is not a workable scheme. One is based on satisfying a physical and/or and/or spiritual, and/or emotional needs, the other is based on control and greed.
What I mean is, that the government military complex really does have to be secret to fulfill its mission because no one wants to be blown up by bombs, and noone wants to be caged and enslaved any more than we already have been.
The love affair can be worked between the people involved, if the married couple enter the discussion with open minds, and hearts. They must be willing to discard previous conditions and expectations. They must be willing to accept the inevitable changes, whatever they may be.
The clandestine lovers must be able to see the feelings of the partner left at home, and that person must in turn see the needs of the other. An open dialogue must occur, several times, to achieve any level of understanding.
macro: "We believe in our health care. We believe in peacekeeping and not wielding a big stick. We believe in our country."
micro: Re my own experience: I believe in our open-mindedness, I believe in growing my family larger and not splitting up fragmented. I believe in our relationship.
A reflection of the government/military and the common people:
the officials start to be able to hear what the people are saying, because the people, instead of being blind followers and apathetic consumers, have started taking responsibility for what goes on in the world around them by actions such as circulating petitions and actively being involved in local politics.
Because the people initiate the dialogue, the officials are forced to listen.
The tower of monetary illusion crumbles, and the structure of health and social care can flourish.
And the Earth and Her children, in the end, flourish also.
The mental construct of monogamous relationship can make it difficult to negotiate the idea of adding an extra lover in the equation. The one wanting to have another lover has to initiate a dialogue with his/her partner, and expect some hard feelings to surface during the process of negotiating. Depending on their level of acceptance and social conditioning, and willingness to reject and accept certain expectations, the process can be quite quick and relatively painless or take months of hedging, squirming and arguing.
The balance reached between one wanting to be monogamous and the other wanting more can go from a break up of said couple, to a change of thinking in the monogamous mind to allow more freedom, or the couple forever being unhappy and dissatisfied by denial of pleasure and denial of one self to "make the other happy".
Physical and mental towers crumbling everywhere. But it's not the end of the world, it's the beginning of a new one.
facilitation instruction reflection discussion
Thursday, November 13, 2003
just start riting, it'll come out
I want to talk about my process
Other people need to talk about their process too
How my life is kinda changing, for the better
my partner and I have reached a level of understanding where our towers crumbled and inner demons placated and reassured.
A level of understanding where there is no longer fear of speaking.
I used to ask him when he'd come back from visiting our friends if he'd talked with them at all... nope, he just did the work they needed help with.
I would wish he would talk to them about a crush I had such a hard time telling.
It was lame to want to deal with this obstacle by getting someone else to do the talking.
My partner's right, "rip the bandaid off quickly and get it over with... don't rip it a little at a time so it really hurts every time you pull it... rip, ouch...rip, ouch... rip, ouch...
Do what you will, with love.
love = paying attention to the others feelings, choose words that are reflective of your highest good.
I feel an unblocking
I feel like I'm changing before your very eyes
I feel a transformation
within myself
within my partner
within our friends
the train switched tracks, going into much more picturesque lands.
I feel like I am experiencing a hedonistic revival, remembering my youthful passion and secret teenage fantasies...
It is so good to be able to talk about different aspects of our relationships.
It is also good to be able to tell when I've talked enough about my feelings toward Shadi, because my partner doesn't have to hear every detail, which brings me to this point:
I had a realization sometime last night that my needing to read aloud my tantric poems, most are archetypal and an inspiration from Shadi, a couple kinda are directed to him, describing how his beingness and his gaze put me in a delightful trance...
and how that made my partner feel inadequate, and unappreciated...
and after our arguing, discussing, arguing and discussing, I've clued in to this reality.
I understand now that wasn't the way to deal with this situation: I realized that I felt that writing these poems was a bit like cheating, it felt like the writing of them was behind his back, duh, I wrote most while he slept or worked...
and that's a clincher, me typing out love poems to someone else while my partner worked to make money to feed us... geez, how rude!
I am so sorry for any hurt feelings my ineptness caused.
We've been talking about a lot of things, about parts of ourselves we've been denying...
I thought of the concept "coming out of the closet" and how it doesn't only apply to homosexuality, it applies to anyone who's been denying themselves (usually due to childhood conditioning) anyone who's been wishing to be a certain way but weren't "allowed"... I think of a crysalid, or an egg as a symbol of this kind of rebirth. The closet makes me think of parental conditions, because one would have to be forced to live in a crampy closet, whereas the chrysalid and egg are a natural process, the caterpillar wants to turn into a butterfly, so it doesn't mind the cocoon for a while, it created the cocoon itself. ditto on egg, except that embryo didn't necessarily choose to be in the egg, but it doesn't mind either, because it knows it will be born soon.
cocoons and eggs protect the one inside... closets are no protection from isolation.
I want to talk about how I haven't said "I love you" in person to Shadi. How I've expressed that phrase to his partner, and to both of them but I don't think I've said it just to him in person yet... Saying it on the phone is ok, but let's have some real life here...
I realized last night (yep, lots of lights are going on) that the "I love you " I want to say to Shadi is laden with sensual attraction and thus something to be afraid of, because it involves sex at one point or another. I am getting used to this new understanding, it is exciting, unfolding after all, ego afraid of fucking up, deep-self knowing it'll be ok...
I am barely a week into me and my partner's understanding each other (we spent the last 7 years in tedium boredom apathetic no social life suburban monogamous construct)
During the first of the seven years to follow, before the many years of boring suburban construct, we had a threesome with our close friend. She was visiting from the city, and was exhuding horniness, and she asked us if we could have sex together. She was exploring girl sex and I was totally willing to explore with her. And my partner got to have sex with someone he's been wanting to do that with. We met her when I was hugely pregnant, 12 years ago.
The two days we were with her were great, and I was glad to have the opportunity to share sacred trust and exploration...
I always did enjoy the thought of making love to another female, that was the only adult experience... so far... besides the childhood games I played with my friend, where we would be each other's doctors and give each other "shots" by tickling each others' clit, the shots progressing to using our mouths... then we got separated by parents divorces and remarriages.
We'll see each other again.
I'd like to talk with her about this exploration that was cut short.
Makes me think of how many other people must have experienced a similar separation from their closest friend and sacred explorations.
The Autumn we moved out here I had a crush on a guy we knew from the city. He had initiated a formation of a co-op art gallery before we moved to this town, and I loved something about him, again, an archetypal quality, a part of myself that I hadn't noticed yet I actually had, I only wanted to be that way. He had moved here before we did, about three months after the gallery opened, and we went out to visit him and help finish putting walls on his cabin before winter set in.
During our visit we found that rents were way cheeper and it wasn't that far away from the big city.
So we moved, me fantasizing (not Dreaming it turned out) about this guy, but not saying anything, because I couldn't tell if he was attracted to me... and I didn't tell my partner about it because, well, I was scared of pissing him off... sound familiar?
The guy's avoidance of dealing with issues accumulated until the collective had no choice (perceived) but to practically corner him during the last meeting, and he blew up at everybody, and didn't speak to me or anyone else from the gallery co-op.
His outburst created so much pain within me, so much sadness, my crush was, well, crushed.
That was 8 years ago.
Six months later we had a threesome, fulfilling a kind of promise me and my partner made to each other when we first met to have an openness in our relationship.
I'm realizing I'm writing a lot. oh well.
After the threesome, our friend ended up moving way up north, and the years stretched along, time and life sort of standing still, our son starting school, us living in the middle of what I perceived as super boring suburban white trash culture, where nobody walks anywhere or recycles anything. (the bear's garbage scrounging would reveal how much recyclable material was being thrown away.)
And what got to us, even though we didn't want to admit it, was the lack of social life.
No real "kin", no real connection with anyone, except a woman I worked with at a donut shop. She introduced us to a local scene of slightly older folks, good folks, beer drinkers and hard workers.
But, nice as they were, we just didn't really fit in, or more like, we weren't into the music or drunken parties that they were into. It kinda made us think of a party in the early seventies that never ended...
So, along the meandering tracks of this point I'm eventually making, our recent psychic emergence has a lot to do with the kind of humdrum life we lived for the last 7 years.
7.
chakras
spirits
seals
After 13 years together, it is a significant time to readjust our thinking caps.
Instead of breaking up over dissatisfaction with each other (there's been lots of those lately) we have achieved a resolution to feelings previously laying unconsciously dormant or consciously denied thus unexpressed.
Our centers are opening up. The process of a human emergence is confusingly described in the Revelations... channelled new age books are more fun to read, and aren't anti-woman.
The Great Whore. the Harlot of Babalon, is a symbol of the lust and the passion we all have within us. It's time to re-member the meanings of ancient symbols. That is part of our salvation as spirits embodied in human form.
I feel like once it's ok for me to be me, once I fully embrace my higher self, my higher guardian angel, my secret lover, the part of me that was denied for so long...
others will see that it's safe to come out.
That it's really and truly safe to come out of hiding.
We're here.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
The Simpsons episode on Sunday was about Marge and Homer splitting up for a bit, because Homer found out that Marge wanted to break up with him when they were dating, then got pregnant. Homer moved out to live with a couple of gay guys...
local time zone really is synchronicity.
Me n my partner did get stuck together by me being pregnant, 13 years ago. The love grew though. It really did, and we are growing into new selves.
I still feel kinda bruised from my partner's processing his emotions. He is noticing how his remarks cut into me, even when he doesn't mean anything by it.
I am noticing myself too, how I bring up the past to prove a point.
Today I told him that I saw my inner demon as really huge, looking like a dragon of Pern, with wings. Beautiful but so freakin big, and untrained.
I asked him what his would look like, and he said it would look like impish, troll - like throwing rocks at the big huge one.
He was referring to his snappy remarks, and, what I call, grinding (going on and on about my mistakes)
The imagery finally quelled the argument we were having.
She ate the sacred grains from the spoon offered by one of her favorites.
He gave her sacred lentils, each containing the intent of lovingkindness and inner strenght.
Monday, November 10, 2003
My partner got to go to the city (we live across a big water where we are ferry dependent to get to the big city)
with ShadiElf to visit with friends and do some purchases.
They got to talk...
While they were gone, I went over to hang out with ShadiElf's partner. We talked too, he is an empathic listener and I love him very much, his sylph-like being and magikal mind.
When long married couples get bored in their sex life, there are different courses of action presented:
- fool around behind the other's back (classic Hollywood bullshit reality)
- deny yourself and your needs (another classic Western bullshit reality)
or
- talk about each other's needs... (something most of us never learned)
My attraction to ShadiElf grew over the months from liking, to thinking I would have a crush on him, to actually having a crush, to daydreaming to writing to drawing... It's like a spell...
Talking about this feeling was compounded by several factors:
fear of hurting other's feelings, my partner and SHadiElf's partner.
the fear of my partner's (eventual) anger was real.
I mentioned that fear, the reason why I couldn't just come right out and say it, and was told I was projecting my fears onto the other. True to my conditionning, I crumpled, not standing up for myself, not beliving my intuition, which by the way, was true. Again.
My intuition is a real thing, it is quiet but true.
An intuitive person not being taken seriously is also a real thing.
(I was going to write "woman not being taken seriously" but realized that there are men that are just as intuitive if not more)
Listening to a partner's intuition is reflective of the world-mind, how leaders of "powerful" countries have to listen to indiginous and "3rd world" countries. It is reflective of big business realizing better business practices.
The fear I felt was real.
I could not deny this feeling within me, death would be preferable to denial.
I squirmed all summer trying to tell these guys my wish, my desire...
How I knew the intensity of this desire would freak out mine and his partner.
The feelingvof attraction is intense, like white fire.
This weekend, during the planetary alignment, I wondered at myself, how I just had to fall in love with a gay man... that how rumors would make my attraction sound really wierd...
I think we are weaving a beautiful tapestry together, two 1's have grown to two 2's.
My partenr of 13 years and the man I am enamored with spent a night in the city talking. There are substances that are very conducive to all night talking sessions.
I am thankful for the friendship we share, because this is real.
There is so much to describe, I was going on about the fear in this entry, but it's over, this part anyways.
I feel that the physical expression of this feeling of attraction is near.
I always knew the reality of this attraction, the deepness and the changes it entails, I think the long wait is worth it...
more on the subject of polyamory, polygamy, or polyandry to be precise, later.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
I feel like I cannot heal.
I feel like my mind is fragmenting.
fantasy?
dream?
who can tell?
If it's a fantasy, something I made up, I don't want it.
If it's a one-sided thing, I don't want it.
I couldn't remember what my friend said when I asked him what does he see in me...
I had to ask my partner if he remembered, and he did: "erotic sensual encounter"
I couldn't remember any of those words, I attribute the lack of memory to the selective reality filter in my head, where good things don't get heard. or remembered... is it because I don't believe it? How can I believe something that good to be real?
I don't want it to be a fantasy.
It = sensual relationship with my elvin friend.
(I feel it necessary to explain what I mean by "it".
I feel dejected, rejected, corrected.
My feeling is that I seem to always do something wrong. I'm always hurting my partner's feelings...
I felt so horny yesterday too.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
I love you
you reflection of me
my brother
heirodule of pan
receptacle of the Goddess
for the Goddess fills thee
She is the divine Sword which peirceth thy heart
the Light of Wisdom
Bursting forth
the seed of life
burtsing forth
illuminating all
impregnating all
gnosis of mitosis
revelation of love
revolution of love
revel in the ocean
revel Oshun
envelop the ecstasy
experience the development
unfolding
the mystery becoming a story
Celestial bodies coming into alignment for the great emergence
crystal clarity
tones of love
intersecting triangles
above and below
inner and outer
polarities merging into an infinite whole
Civilization changing as we think
the inner and the outer
revolutions within circles
concentric radiance
centered on the heart
heart chakra core of the earth
love bubbling from the core
fission fusion
bone marrow and white blood cells
earth core and lava, crystals, gases
Effervessing love corpuscles
billions radiating outward from the center
Alignment of realities
each and everyone of us
we are the children of the Mother
we are Matter
we are Spirits embodied
we are here to enjoy injoy outjoy aroundjoy
we are here to enjoy life and each other
we are here to remind of the enjoyment
we are here
Friday, November 07, 2003
The storm has cleared.
I have been feeling attacked this week.
My partner arguing about not being able to fulfill every one of my needs has left me feeling raw, and vulnerable. My partner's expressions burned, just like my own expressions do when I am frustrated and sad and angry and bummed.
I was afraid of that very reaction, of that very feeling, that I knew was there all along.
I felt so afraid.
I was afraid of losing everything I hoped for, or creating a fracture rather than a bigger whole... I was so afraid of creating just what I was trying to avoid.
I felt like I was going againts the wind, going uphill, pulling a huge load...
I felt like the responsibility had been heaped on my shoulders.
Holding all ten Staffs...
or three Swords piercing my heart...
I've gotten so much shit for being attracted to someone else's partner, to someone other than my partner whom I've been married for 13 years.
Most of the shit was due to my social expectations or conditioning, due to my cluttered internal landscape.
The other guys too had their own expectations and internal landscapes to navigate.
I had gotten yelled at, at different times, because I couldn't talk through my fears.
It's a workable situation, it just has to be situated in an audible and pronouncable way.
It's a situation that needs to be crystal clear communication.
A situation that has potential to be and is and will be... an experience of beauty and healing and ecstatic reunion...
If I wasn't so shy, so scared, so terrified...
If I was able to just say it, to just state my attraction, way back when it started, last spring, this would have been a different story.
This episode was about getting over mental blocks, obstacles of the social and conditionned kind.
It was a painful traverse.
I want to be comforted.
I still feel hurt inside.
My internal landscape consisted of blocks and barriers, of the rule that I never get what I really want unless I pay a high emotional price...
There shouldn't be a high emotional price for what I want, because what I want doesn't and shouldn't have to hurt anyone.
What I want is not selfish, what I want wells up in my heart and I can't stand to not express it anymore.
I feel lucky to be learning this most difficult lesson with beautiful men that I adore.
**************************
Wishes do come true
the divine piercing of the heart
the light shining forth
is my love, my self
wanting to express
to break out
to radiate
to pour
Ah
the holy grail within all
The power within my self has been scaring me, in my dreams and waking life.
I can imagine how scared another might be, how scary it might be for someone who's in the dreams of a witch...
I call myself a witch; I hadn't before, because I didn't believe in myself and I knew it.
I Nu-it.
I am the beginning of myself
I have to begin myself,
to initiate myself because noone will,
will over love, love under will.
I cannot have what I want until I clearly state,
and state graciously,
my intent and my reason
Fear not, sweet Elf, I dream of our embrace,
I have overcome my inner demons,
they are harnessed and will not stray.
Anu - father and lover of Inanna
Aleph beginning anew
one heaven and one earth
inanna gugalana
Goddess rides the bull
Goddess knows
I nu-it
wisdom in my previous not-knowing
the light shines forth
there is no more not-knowing
Gnosis of my self
expanding to anu self
eye opening
yoni birthing
incoming outpouring
eternal dance
high and low and round and down
to rise again
like corn and grain
Enough of this labyrinth
time to jump
till next time
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
The solar flare yesterday occurred while me n my partner were having a "locking
horns" or something like that.
That was when he said he didn't know who he was, that he's seeing how
different me and him are from each other... I was feeling happy and horny,
having humped that morning then gotten up to proceed with thte rest of the
day... but my partner felt (still feels) crappy. or bummed. or depressed. or
inadequate. or dissatisfied.
He said this morning that the buds have bugs, I looked but I couldn't see
any.
I'm feeling pulled down by my partner's gravity.
I want to set each other free.
I want to set him free.
He's afraid to set me free.
Because of my ideals, of what I've been Dreaming all this time, all these
years, since before I met him, and he knows that I've always strived for a
better world, a smarter existence, of creating new realities, of Dreaming of
the community that is just now kinda forming...
and he knows that he hasn't been Dreaming of any of that, that he's been
content to do crime, to work, to watch tv, to hang out.
and he knows that lifestyle is not sustaining, that merely existing and
watching tv does not go anywhere.
and he knows that lifestyle makes, and has always, made me crappy and sad
and depressed and bummed and dissatisfied.
and I let him know that he doesn't have to remain in that life, that he can
expand, that he can be the God that he can be.
He is the God that I think he is... which brings me to another point, that
he doesn't feel the "horned god" thing I go on about... that he feels that I
only say those things to "make him fit in my world"...
I did "make him fit in my world", but you know what? that is the point, to
make the best of what you have, to love who you're with, to flow and meld
together,...
Except I did forget myself kinda, I let my partner's lifestyle overtake my style,
but I can't force someone into a way of being, that is futile and not the
point. I couldn't make him quit watching tv, it had to be up to him... it's
up to him, I can't make him change. If I "made" him change, it would be
artificial...
Although I did "make" him take the tv to the Sally Ann last year... now the
tv habit is back in full force...
I allow and allow, then at some point I break. I can't do that anymore, it
is not healthy.
If I could go back in time I would have delineated my self more clearly. But
that would defeat the purpose of the way things are unfolding...
my quest was/is to find my self...
I guess that is pretty much everyone's quest, non?
Each and everyone of us, every human, has to find their true selves.
I pray that my partner finds within himself what is true, what ...
I realized I have no attachment to what he finds... if he stays, fine If he
decides to go on a quest, to go on a boat, fine.
I am tired of dealing with heaviness.
I am tired of dealing with his depression that seems to be caused by my
delineation of my-self... by my expressing what I really wnat...
I don't want him to be the cause of my sinking back down. I want to fly
free, and if he doesn't want to follow, then he should just let me.
"Live for Freedom" it sais so right on his shoulder, a seed of wisdom that
is part of what I have always seen in him.
- intermission -
me n my partner discussed some more
of our aspirations not aligning, our dreams crossing, and not converging
of me not being happy around him for so long, of me blaming his consumerism
of him not sharing my passion for art, symbols, magik
of me not being happy for so long until other people fill in the blanks,
until I met soul family
of him not being the one and only person in my whole life
of me not being the one and only person in his whole life
of him not wanting to be a prisonner of pot
of me wanting to set him free
of me not being afraid to let him go
of him being afraid of my willingness to let him go
of him not wanting to leave without a big wad of money in his pocket, of not
wanting to repeat the experience of being left out in the cold with nothing
but his clothes on his back.
of me taking care of the buds, of him not being able to be happy because of
the lingering fear of burglary, of him wanting to protect me n our son.
of me not wanting to separate but instead make a bigger pile (nature doesn't
lie, that four-bug pile I witnessed as my thoughts were on this subject of
cn n bn n knn n brn)
of where we are heading
of what each other's expectations were/are
of him feeling his pride get hurt
everything I've complained about before, for years and years, is coming out
of his mouth now. And I want to tell him he's wrong, but I can't because he
is speaking truth.
Because it's true that I've been unhappy all my life, that he hasn't negated
some of that sadness. That he can't fulfill every nook and cranny that
composes my psyche.
That my wanting to be free, to be my own person, scares the shit out of him.
That he's afraid that he'll be left behind...
and I repeat, agian and agian, that noone gets left behind....
I guess I can't leave his younger brother behind.... In my mind I have left
that wretch behind, but I can't leave that brother behind. The wretch
residdes in the past, the brother languishes in south carolina.
Family means noone gets left behind.
There is no need to be afraid because we will all be together. Even if the
whole world blows up.
here is no need to be afraid because the whole reason, the whole basis, is
to come together.
To heal, to commune with each other, with God-dess.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
On friday...
wishes come true
nothing and everything comes true.
the meaning of family is nothing and everything
the wish for family is all or nothing
1, 2, 3 is a lovely progression
three times three
the fulfillment of nine
completion to nothing and everything
before the beginning anew
One is the beginning oneself
friday freja venus love red and green
passionate growth
red and green
there is something going on
a wave of emotion energy,
of enlightening energy,
of the unspeakable being spoken,
of the unseen being seen,
of the unheard-of now being heard
the experience of the inexperienced.
What is on mind must be said with love in mind
I love
I seek union
with myself, myfamily
Sunday, November 02, 2003
I am ever changing
I am eternally green
I am mother and lover of Great Horned Ones.
I am One who is Greatly Horned.
I am One who is Two of the One.
I am the embodiment of hot firy passion
a hot spicy cayenne pepper
red hard and pointy, wanting to plunge and be enveloped
pene trate
penis straight
I am the flowing lava of watery depths
I am the envelope as I develop.
I am a camera as life develops.
green soft and round, wanting to wrap and enfold
My One
My Own
My Yoni
I am One of the Two of hte One
Lunar twins to the solar sistermotherlover who rides a rising bull
I am the bride of Baphomet
I am Baphomet
I am the pastoral goatherder
I am the forest spirit, ever present in leaf shadow
I am the whirlwind and mountain peak
perfection expressed and preserved as a crystal
passion expressed as art
love expressed as you
for You are all that I am.
Narcississtic love of All that is, for All is a reflection of I.
Embracing the Whole, swallowing the hole
sweet ecstatic agonised pleasure
I am Love
I am.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Me thinks me found me secret lover.... me other side... me higher guardian angel on Samhain night...
