Exacting moments of lucidity
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
artworks by yours truly..... more to come
works of art depicting sexual acts as sacred
The Omphalos (at Xmas time its called "very shiny nose")
works of art depicting archetypal imagery
<:3~ <:3~ <:3~ <:3~ <:3~ <:3~ <:3~
I want to talk about thie shift of thinking with the idea of the feminine world being hidden away and denigrated, the world of housework, childrearing... babies come from sex.... patriarchy has been afraid of the whole precess of brith and death, because that was and hads always been the area of the woman and the grandmothers.
So patriarchal systems pushed the feminine out, christianity rejecting the crone while combining the virgin and the mother.
Men who can't bleed and were jealous of the creative powers of the women.
That old jealousy became denial which destroyed entire cultures, and is still doing that.
It is a fear of basic human rights, the fear of the femimine becoming a fear of reality, of Earth, because every woman is a peice of the Earth, as are all Her creations, which include men. They are Her childern. Every human came out of Mother.
The Yoni being something to be feared ... women's lips looking like pussy lips so they have to be covered... It is the monotheistic patriarchy that destroyed individual freedom and oppressed collective will.
One of the keys to toppling that monolithic system of thought is to create works of art depicting sexual acts as sacred. Human bodies photographed as archetypal imagery.
Ancient archetypes brought back to the surface.
The wrinkled old crone, full of stories of memories of times long past.
The prostitutes becoming better known as sex workers, becoming appreciated for thier services by having their services legalized.
It's kinda crazy when I think of the layers of the oppression, from housework to grannies to hookers. It's a spectrum of women equaling sex equaling dangerous freedom... dangerous to.... the church people... which evolved into a government system so the initial oppressive regiment never left its pressure since the Inquisiton, the Roman conquest, the battles before that...
But we need to not get bogged down in old memories, because things will never be the same...
we have technology. We have test tube babies (everyone comes out of Mother, eh?) We have shemales and transgendered people.
A redefinition of God-dess is in order.
Me and my partner talked about this and we came up with a simple name: MaPa
the Great MaPa
I suppose God-dess can suffice though.
Saturday, December 27, 2003
It snowed today for a couple hours. Now the sky is yellowish and heavy-looking.
My partner and son went to the city to pick up Walmart photos of our son that gramma had done during her thanksgiving visit. They'll be back in about an hour.
Xmas day was ok, our friends didn't make it over, we were planned on going to their house but our son was feeling super sick, so we all sat at our respective houses.
It was planned to go to the local community dinner that night, to have turkey n ham n salmon n gravy n etc... But we needed a ride to it, and none of our friends with cars were available.
I feel like ranting about the thoughtlessness of friends with cars... but what for... It proves that most of our "friends" cannot be depended upon, unless there's "something in it for them"...
We live in such a capitalist society.
Even friends who suppposedly believe in community support can't fathom the simplicity of helping a neighbor by giving them a ride once in a while.
On another note, I am supposed to work at the Camp this coming week, I don't know which days and what time yet... it'll be a nice little pay, and a bit of partying... check out this web site to learn more about the people involved in this cultural stewardship of sorts:
www.tribalharmonix.org
There are a few groups like this around the world, kind of a simultaneous emergence of tribal consciousness... this is the Canadian West Coast version of that.
My feet are cold right now. I'm gonna go watch a Ren n Stimpy episode.
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Today is my Mayan birthday. Resonant Worldbridger.
This is based on Jose Arguelles's findings on the Mayan calendar. It is a system based on natural rhythms, 13 moons in a year, and 28 days per moon. There are 20 glyphs (symbols, totems, images) and 13 tones which combine to produce 280 possible combinations, which constitute a cycle... go to Tortuga.com to find out more.
I went out yeasterday an hour before the strores close and got a couple things for my partner and son. I wanted to at leat have something for our son, who doesn't believe in Santa or even really care much about holidays, but he does like getting presents.
Upon walking home (I was supposed to join up with my Elvin friend after his food shopping and my toy shopping, but he couldn't find me and I ended up walking alone, with a six pack of peach cider. So I drank two of them on the way home. I had a nice drunken glow upon arriving home.
I had a good cry trying to explain what the hell me n my partner argued about the day before.
I have a birthday present for my friend whose birthday was on the 23rd. But I didn't have it wrapped or even with me when I went out to meet them at the restaurant when they came back from the city. A birthday so close to Xmas has been a convenient excuse for most people to just lump in the xmas present with birthday. I don't want to do that. but now it's xmas morning, and I have his bday present under the tree..... well, at least I made a distinction between the xmas present for both him and his hubby, and his Bday present. I'm sure he'll like it, it's something I painted almost ten years ago, and never sold it, or wore it. I'll divulge what it is after these guys come over!!!
I had a dream yesterday....
me n my partener were sitting somewhere, there was a few kids hanging out.
A girl whose birthday it was, maybe her tenth or someting like that, was sulking. She was unhappy the whole time.
I think I whispered to him , "why don't you kiss her then?" I can't remember if I said that or if I just knew that was what would cheer her up.
So he kissed her, a long kiss, like necking almost....
and it did cheer her up. She was all beaming.
I think it was a combination of me and my sadness, and our HairyFairie friend's birthday, and his embodiment of female energy.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
I don't want to argue with my partner like we did today. It wasn't what I intended. I was just feeloing grumpy at not finding the presents I wantred to find.
Our argument lasted till it ws ti,e to go to teh local restaurant Molly's Reach (where they used to fillm the Beachcombers) for their yearly free xmas dinner. I slammed the bedroom door on my way out, feeling so angry that he chose to forget thoiis whole night that was planned for eweeks. Excuse the typing, I can't see the key board really well.
I got a ride to the place with a friend, who used to work there, strangely to me chose to sit by herself at a corner table, saying she'd always wanted to sit there the whole time she worked there. She's kinda more of a friend of a friend. . . more of an acquaintance, really. I sat a a four seater table becasue I was meeting my HairyFaerie friends there who were getting off the bus from the ferry at any time. I really wished my partner had come with me.
I hadn't seen my friends for almost a week. it was good to see them again. I started crying at the end of our meal when the subject of how today went. Then upon exiting the cab at their place, they called on my claim of just walkinghome and leaving my wine in their fridge... they knew I needed to talk about stuff. . . for at least for 15 mins. . .
I've hadn't been friends with therapists, but friends can be therapeutic. (patient < therapist ........... friend = friend) I love my friends; they are two of a kind.
I love my partner, my soul mate, other half,..... his small yin to my small yang to my big yin to his big yang. . . .
I walked to the mall with my partner, we argued most of the way, about me being depressed, about him feeling like he's wasting money. That I don't appreciate the presents he's gotten me before... upon writing htis, I realized it sure sounds like what my mom used to do, complain about how unappreciative I am.
I hate having to be forced to buy presents at a certain time of year, because if I don't, then I feel like a cheepskate, and how could I not accomplish something simple like finding everybody a present?
It's an unecessary pressure.
I couldn't visit all the stores around this town because it rains and I don't have a car anymore. and there's no "me's" out there who would help me out once in a while with their rides.
I'm tired of so many things.
My feelings right now are those of sadness and depression. It's two days before xmas, we didn't bother putting up the tree or lights or anything. It's new moon on my friend's birthday, and I started my period today.
It just doesn't feel like xmas. I gues having been broke since summer might have something to do with this. Our car being broken down since before summer is a real bummer. Getting a ride from anyone is a pain in the ass.
We have to move soon, sometime in the spring. I don't know where. I don't want to rent anymore. I'm tired of being in the poverty cycle. I want to kill myself when I feel this way.
I haven't had a chance to do any xmass shopping.
I fuckin hate not having my own vehicle.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
I like to feel wanted. . .
Yet I don't want to be imposing. . . but that's an old song, isn't it?
I have a dream. . . that's another old song. . .
I am inspired to share my artistic erotic imagery with drawings, and with my partner by making films of ourselves in the midst of passion. . . and I directed us to start a scene a certain way, it is fun to have artistic freedom.
We spent Saturday nite filming ourselves, after setting up a white sheet on the ceiling and another white surface near the floor to achieve more lighting.
My attention has been revived to this energy by my partner who had discovered internet porn when we got our first computer. I had lost interest in porn when we moved out here in boring suburbia land. The local video store had an adult section but every single movie we rented was crappy, chopped up, and cheep quality, even for porns. The new owners of the video store got rid of the porn section altogether.
The first five years in this town with no social life and living a couch TV lifestyle was an uninspiring period of time.
When I'm not inspired, I don't feel horny.
Over the past couple of years, since we moved into this house, since we bought a digital video cam, since we started making connections with friends, since we got rid of the television and gave it to the Salvation Army.
I've been getting progressively more inspired.
Lately, my inspiration has been deriving from several sources, with a common primal energy. Attraction turning into a summer of indulgent daydreaming and writing tantric poetry.
I had a huge emotional block about being sexually attracted to someone other than my partner. The emotional block, connected to childhood conditioning and early teens abuse, effected another block of the verbal kind. I had been unable to speak in the moment, my mind going blank, no words, no ideas, all the little thoughts ran into their burrows to hide. (The big thoughts don't have to run and hide)
I had a revelation a couple of weeks ago, that emotional paralysis developed after friendship attraction became sexual. Connection of emotional block to sexuality.
My relationship with the Hairy Faeries is a gift from Pan, our process of growing together pushed the buttons that needed to be reprogrammed.
I am grateful for my latent awakening and the faeries who have been helping with the quickening of me and my partner's integration.
The emotional unblocking is connected to my present inspiration to share that which has caused me embarassment and anguish due to twisted cultural programming.
That which caused my silence is redeemed, primal sexual energy, being part of my power, and not my weakness.
My partner is an embodiment of primal sexual archetype, symbiotically me and him transform each other by communicating and being aware of each others' automatic responses.
New levels of fearless exploration are being reached, like mutual lustful horniness, he's turned me back on to internet porn and we've been exploring the net together and gotten each other extremelly flamingly boner hard clit horny.
I realized that we could make pretty good pictures, mpeg's and full length movies and generate some income while having fun!
And I have this idea of sacralizing the profane by representing God and Goddess, Yoni and Lingam, Yin and Yang.
Somatomedia: media of the Body and the pleasures it can experience.
Monday, December 15, 2003
I paid my bill, now I don't have to worry, for a little while anyway.
Me and my son took the dogs for a walk for this errand, and we tied them to an empty shopping cart rack, with the idea that they were going to be out of the way of other shoppers. After the bank transacting, we looked at books and found what each other wants for christmas; from the book table anyways.
We were laughing at the prospect of finding the dogs tangled in their leashes, we were going to check on them when my cell phone rang, and it was my partner. He just recieved a call from my son's friend who saw a kurfuffle about the dogs. Apparently the dogs were attracting a great deal of attention, and were being carted off by SPCA.
I was told, upon reaching the dogs, that one of them attacked someone, which is uncharacteristic of any of our dogs. One of them, a "lent" dog (that dog's owner can't keep him until she finds a dog-friendly place to live - renters should have a right to keep pets BTW) was the "guilty" one. He apparently barked at passers-by, those people complained and the security guy stated that he lunged at him and bit his forearm (no marks, good thing).
So they got carted off to the SPCA and I had to go there to pay $30 per dog.
This episode would have me in tears, but the Goddess/Great-Spirit/Angels/etc were watching over, for right after I got off the phone with my partner I bumped into some neighborhood friends who saw a bit of the dog drama. They came with me back to the dogs and witnessed my conundrum of having the dogs taken farther than walking distance and me not having a car to get there or to get back home with them.
My friends just happened to have a van they borrowed, so they drove me over there and back home with the beasties in the back, me with my arm over the back of my seat to hold on their collars so they didn't jump onto the seat and dirty it.
Despite my brokeness and needing money for everything, I wanted to give them $20 bucks for doing this, for being at such a coincidental right place and right time.
I am so freekin grateful for that, it made the ordeal much much more bearable.
Geez, $90! That is the price of two big-ass bags of quality dog food.
The friends that helped me out live a couple blocks from me. They are super cool. I got to brainstorm with them about my idea for an all-ages hang-out.
I have to stop writing this to show my son how to add a background effect to his site.
I haven't been reporting much of life on here because I haven't been on the computer much lately... my son has been on it mostly, working on his web site and Megaman flash animations Sprites etc
I've been visiting with ShadiElf and his hubby, making veggie soup on Monday (so good) here's a recipe (varies everytime the soup is made)
the usual basic is to fry onions and celery and garlic and, if desired, hot red pepper. ............... when the onions and celery have "sweated" (rendered translucent-like) let them fry a bit more, on med heat, to allow some caramelization to accumulate on the bottom of pot. You can throw in the herbs now for flavor development. Don't burn them now, keep stirring and pour heart love into the frying beginnings.
(I wonder why the blog editor doesn't allow single line spacing....?) now that the onions are flavor-flave, add enough water to make a soup (arbitrary measurments, according to how much is being made) I don't bother putting in a pack of powdered soup flavour (like OXO or Bovril) like I used to, I realize that the veggies and herbs make an awesome flavor all their own ................. add the chopped up veggies: beets, carrots (my soups always have beets n carrots), turnip, parsnip, sweet potato, regular potatoes (and potafingers!) those are the winter season repertoire of veggies..... in the summer, I like to put green beans, peas, tomatoes (and tomafingers!) ....... leafies are good too, like kale and chard, they need to cook for about an hour.
Any veggies in the fridge work for this soup. this soup is different every time.
simmer for a least an hour, two hours is more than enuf time to make this soup.
tis very nutritious and warming on a cold winter's day.
and great for recovering from assorted ailments or self inflicted mind states..... as long as there's no starches like noodles or potatoes (starches are heavy and cause the body to work a bit more to digest it)
more update later, I gotta go pay my bills.
Friday, December 12, 2003
On Wednesday (I hadn't gone online for a couple days), I had a dream of my friend who was singing a song he dreamt of. It was syllables, that I only remembered vaguely upon awakening, then they faded as the seconds slipped by.
I remember a dream of a haunted house kinda ride, the friend I was with was scared but I wasn't goiung to be a pushover or something like that.
we were in a seat kinda thing, that travelled us around the place. There was n't much there to scare us, but there was one part hwere my chair stopped becaause it fell on it's back so I was staring at the ceiling. I make it rock back upright, knowing it would make it fall in the hole (that I thot was supposed to happen anyway) and I fall and fall, but never did reach the bottom. I woke up.
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
What is in my heaad, what is out there in the world
sometimes it matches, sometimes it doesn't. Lately I've felt quite paranoid, feeling attacked, unloved, blamed, critised, etc etc etc.
I find that the paranoia becomes more real when I'm in isolation, at home. The feeling spiralling into tighter and tighter coils until I'm choking, until my breathing becomes shallow. Then I remember to take a deep breath.
The feeling gets dissipated when I actually see and talk to my friend. The fear of being perceived as a fuckin moron comes from past school conditioning. The feeling of not being respected comes from my need for acceptance.
Expressing myself, sharing my vulnerabilities
Re-connecting with loved ones
Breathing becoming easier, but still need to share more.
in perfect love and perfect trust
to know what that means
love for another being stronger than selfish personal indulgence.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
I want to breathe and end up holding my breath out of fear.
I feel like I am attacked for every little thing. That I am reviled.
I feel misunderstood, no matter what I say, or how I say it.
I feel like I run into traps. walking on eggshells.
I feel hated.
I feel grief.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
what is it about numbers with me? I'm the 444th visitor on my own blog....
ha ha ha hee hee hee ho ho ho.....
I love my friends and relations like plants love to grow.
I reach for divinity like tree branches in the sun.
I stay connected to my Source like a dandelion taproot.
