Exacting moments of lucidity
Thursday, January 15, 2004
what is the point of everything?
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Tibet links
http://ril.tibet.free.fr/Pages/Assoc2.htm#canada
http://www.ganden.org/garuda/garuda_summer2003.pdf
http://dakinitantra.org/lama.html
I went to see a Dali Lama kinda guy today, Rinpoche thru nine reincarnations. Or is it 13? I can't remember. He apparently remembers all his previous lives quite clearly.
A man that conscious can do "majikal" things, acts that seem supernatural.
I went to the house where the Lama and his acolytes were staying, they were seeing people for the day, the night before I went to the benefit they held at the local theater, to help the Tibetan kids and grandparents in the different little villages.
There's always been something about Tibet with me, something that evokes far far away memories, into the primordial time of the Mother. When the monk played his bone trumpet, I was super intrigued at the curious instrument. How old. The shaman 30 000 years ago.
Ones who dare.
Daring is to be contrary, to do what others wouldn't do.
To be who you really are in the moment.
and I 've been so indoctrinated in the submissive mode of being insignificant and a real pain in the ass - how can one be nothing and a bigthing at the same time? - (contradiction was the Word during my growing up years)
I didn't know what to expect for my 20 mins to 30 mins healing session, I heard he can bless personal articles, make metal like jewelery get really hot, almost burning.
I told Di di, his interpreter, what I wished to be healed of, (anger, the anger from systemic oppression. the physical healing of my fallopean tubes. The removal of obstacles from my fulfillment)
He was putting his stuff away, hardly looked at me. I asked about the blessing of objects, how I had a ring on that I'd like him to bless.
I mentioned that I found it last Earth day and he replied that he couldn't bless it because it wasn't mine.
I felt flushed, I wanted to explain the significance of having been given it by a friend who was given it by her boyfriend, who was actually the one who found it on the floor of the local community hall while they were setting up for a show that night. It was the timing of being given that ring on an Earth day weekend. That night had another galactic significance concerning the symbols imprinted on the ring; it had a Pleadian ring to it. . .
Instead I started trying to pry the gold wire out of my ears, but I plyered those on pretty good last year, so they wouldn't fall out.
I mentioned I don't have any other jewelry, and he gestured that he'd do it anyways.
He took my ring, whispered a few things, blew on it and handed it back super hot.
I gave him an image I drew earlier while I waited for my turn. It was of the sufi heart wings motif, with an encapsulating womb-like circle with a yoni shape.
I am so tired of feeling like a fool.
My meeting left me feeling insignificant, and not worthy of healing.
I felt inadequate.
While I write this, it becomes a bit more clear, maybe, why things transpired like they did.
There's the idea that he didn't pay me much attention because I didn't need it.
Then I think maybe he only reflected my own inadequate feelings, how I don't feel like I deserve healing attention so I got just that.
Lately I've been feeling so unappreciated.
I been feeling like I shouldn't have to ask for recognition.
(by recognition, I mean when one is busy the other who isn't busy and is making a lunch for himself should make a little extra for the one who is too busy to feed herself)
Implication of gender? you bet your big fat ass I'm implicating.
I am implicating that women have the sense of helping the other members of her tribe without being asked. I am implicating that I have to ask for everything that I give freely and have given freely without having to be asked.
To my detriment, because I gave to those undeserving. Undeserving because they were uncognizant of what they received. To my detriment because it just perpetuated a myth within myself that I don't deserve to receive what I am worth.
I want to be loved. Not just told, "well, of course we love you". I want to be really loved. I want to be stroked, caressed, made love to. I want to be told what good I do. I want to be held and incubated.
Is that so much to ask? an evening of loving me?
And every woman deserves to receive just that.
She deserves to have her man (men) surround her with love and attention.
It would do men good to be like a mother to a woman.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Prostitution is the sacred work of being as intermediary of the Gods desses. Prostitutes have the power to help their clients awaken to their own inner power.
Human awakening has to do with sex, because the whole of creation is a sexual act. Galaxies and Earths, Worms and Trees, all are created by a coming together of opposites, of Union. The God and the Goddess. Two of the One.
Our culture had been poisoned by lethal doctrines of monotheism and fear of the feminine. Such doctrines blocked somatic energy flows, from the ground up, so that the most basic need became the most shameful sin. The collective Mulhadara got blocked. Western culture's ass got too tight and clogged full of mass produced commodities.
So the mothers of future citizens have the power to change the direction of their society by teaching their children how to be true to themselves and their friends. Mothers have always had that power. Always. Patriarchal monothiests are afraid of that reality. They always have been, that is why "witches" were burned.
Prostitution (pro - statuere, before - to station) is an ancient practice, derived from devotional acts to honor the Gods desses of fertility and Love. The rejection of the feminine undermined the value of the devotional practice of providing much needed comfort that only a sex worker can provide. The rejection of the Goddess caused the world's oldest proffession to become hidden and therefore a dangerous occupation for most street workers.
There will be temples once more, places where the Gods desses are honored with many pleasures.
Amsterdam is a good model for the legalization of personal habits like drug usage and sex.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
I found a suitable free server.... Angelfire.
here's my first page to that:
http://www.angelfire.com/magic2/maeve/
You can see my artwork finally
http://www.angelfire.com/magic2/maeve/01.jpg
http://www.angelfire.com/magic2/maeve/02.jpg
http://www.angelfire.com/magic2/maeve/03.jpg
Thanks for all your helpful comments!
hardee har har!. . .
Thursday, January 01, 2004
Turns out I can't store my pictures of sacred sex on Yahoo/Geocities... They have a anti nudity/pornography rule.
Can anyone suggest another server that doesn't do that?
This has been the mellowest chrismas season ever. We didn't go anywhere for anything, except for when I met my two hairyfearies at the restaurant for the free grub back on Dec 23.
I think me n my partner were arguing and he didn't feel like coming out because of our having argued. That sucked. Having dinner with my friends was cool though.
New year's week (dec 28 to jan 2) I was supposed to party and work for a week, but instead I got sick for this whole time. A recent housemate (a couple that we know needed a temporary place to live) took my place at the kitchen camp. She had been working with this camp for a couple years already, so it wasn't anything new to her. That was a super cool arrangement. I felt bad for not being able to work, though.
I felt bad for not being able to party either!
I love partying, when the music rocks, and the people are friendly.
This was an event called Intention (the 5th one so far...) and more people attend each year.
This year it snowed like crazy on Dec 30 and the 31, just in time for the revellers to try to get in their cars to their respective parties.
No go, shmoe. Stay where you are, buddy.
So I wanted to express my gratitude for my friend (who replaced me at the kitchen camp work) who's been living at my place in the livingroom on the futon with her partner.
They are a quintessential couple, like me n my partner, and the HairyFaeries.
The God-dess personified in three different ways.
This couple is kinda similar to us, I think we could actually handle sharing a house with them. Their dogs get along with our dogs, we have the same habits, we Dream the similar Dreams (you know, the communal utopia on acreage kinda Dream)
But the HairyFaeries's embodiment is certainly a special one, they look like males, but they can be as feminine as any woman I know.
What the hell is feminine anyhow?
Feminine to me is to care about living things, to want to create beauty, to feel so much love for another, no matter what the gender.
But masculine can feel that way too.
Masculine to me means to fight for the right of things to live, to destroy what seeks to destroy beauty, to also feel much love for another, no matter what gender...
So there really isn't much difference between male and female besides a womb.
It's not a question of gender as it is about polarity. One can have a penis and body hair but be super sensitive and artistic, and another can have a womb and virtually no body hair but be aggressive and sporty.
I think of a female as defensive "you come any closer and I'll kill ya"
and of masculine as offensive "I'll kill you before you have a chance to come any closer"
Very basic neanderthal thoughts about the gendered embodiment.
Oh yah, another thing about gender: clitorises are tiny penises, penises are huge clitori.
The ultimate feminine is to "take in" and incubate a new life. Biologicaly anyways.
The ultimate feminine is the Holy Grail. The womb, where life begins.
Men need not feel left out, women need not leave men out.
In retrospect, I think a good way for a man to not feel left out of the newborn's nurture (drawing from my own memories of my partner's new fatherhood frustration) is for the breastfeeding woman to rest againts the man, who cradles the mother and child.
I hadn't thought of that back then. We had only tried espressing breastmilk into a bottle, but our son wasn't into fake nipples.
So for about a year, my partner had no involvement in our son's new life. That kinda sucked.
ha ha, our son knew how to suck!
well, that's my early morning can't get back to sleep rhetoric.
Archetypal imagery
God-dess (Light originates from Her, He holds it)
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