Exacting moments of lucidity
Saturday, March 27, 2004
Nothing can break up this couple.
We are as solid as it gets.
14 years after all
We've weathered some pretty big storms.
My previous attractions for other men didn't break us up.
Our explorations with our girlfriend didn't break us up.
Our dabbling in drugs didn't break us up.
His boat, still a matter of tension, isn't breaking us up.
Not even a cute tantrik bodyworker can break us up.
We are as the stuff that keeps the universe together.
We are as the Earth that keeps us alive.
We are together in infinity and eternity.
after all....
I haven't had a chance to write in this dor about a week.
I decided to quit internet communications with the turning of Spring, at the same time a "Trojan Horse" virus got downloaded. That's a code diguised as a valid exe program. It was screwing up the browsers so they wouldn't even come up and the email was screwed too. Found the offending files, and the accompanying program that did it and deleted it.
Now browser comes up, can recieve email, but not send email.
Better than nothing.
My quest has transformed itself within my head since I last wrote in here.
I would still like to go for a long ass walk, but have decided to get the van fixed and drive across Canada with all my greeting cards and watever else I can sell.
Decided also to stick around for my partner's birthday, and for Beltaine, whence we plan on wedding ourselves and setting eachother free at the same time.
Because
We love each other,
after all...
Thursday, March 18, 2004
I have to go on a quest otherwise something within me will die. The something in me that is autonomous. Self reliant.
I cannot stick around grouchy. It's better that I go on my own to figure things out.
Realization earlier this week: self destructive feelings are a habit from whemn I was a teen. Instead of contemplating my cesation of life, I will cease to be around my famiy for a while.
These words on this screen are just he surface, just a facet just a tidbit of my whoele landscape of my soul.
Remember that
I wish to state that I have been thinking a lot during the two dsays I spent away from my home.
I worked four days at teh ccamp kitchen and stayed in one of the summer cabins.
It was a really good repreive. I worked then went to my cabin and played guitar and drank one of the three porters I brought wiht me to help me go to sleep quicker.
I did a lot of writing. I samg at the top of my voice, songs of freedom I sponteneously madde up. Songs of sisters uniting. Songs of frlying free.
I got inspired how to build a tiny cabin just big enough for me and my few possesions. It would be alrite if I could have it before I went on my long walk.
This walk is about finding myself, is about escaping myself, is about vacating an unbearable situation, is about love.
This walk will follow the Trans-Canada Trails system. I plan to meet my friend RootWoman, who is a medecine woman learned in herbal lore. I will add her webpage after I write thisentry. She lives in Saskachewan. I will be alone for the BC and Alberta part. That's the way I intend it.
I have a feeling that connections ahead of me will manifest. I am not afraid of such a long journey.
I am afraid of angry people.
I am afraid of any more arguments concerning my sexual independence.
I am afraid of arguments with my partner with whom I had a son and spent the last 15 years
I am afraid of misunderstandings with my tantrik vudu guru polarity shadi self.
I am afraid of misunderstandings with his beloved life partner.
This yearning within myself has caused too much strife within my closest relations.
I know they had just as much response ability as myself to help steer the events towards more pleasurable situation. We were all responable.
I am doing something about this:
I am removing myself from a situation that seems to ahve gone out of control.
It seems that I sing best when I;m alone. I feel best when I am alone. I feel happy and content when I am alone.
I have to wait to be alone. No, an afternoon walk in the woods isn't enough. That's what I did whe I was a kid. Now I want to walk for days and weeks and months.
I have to wait for my taxes to come in.
I have to wait for the weather to warm up a bit.
Sunday, March 14, 2004
I was the 6699th visitor yesterday on Futuresex. I like meaningful numbers.
I will be working at the camp kitchen all this week so I won't have the opportunity to write in this blog.
I got "hung up on" when I replied
"sounds like a parrot"
to my friend who wrote something he always likes to say, that someone else made up almost a hundred years ago.
It's a good quote.
Just Olde Englishe style.
And I'm tired of quotes and empty repeated statements.
I'm tired of trying to be honest with my feelings with someone who's been "teaching" me to be honest and not be so afraid to talk and getting shit on instead.
He wants me to be honest, and to tell him when he's full of shit, so to speak, yet when I do, he can't handle it.
He can dish it out, but he can't take it. That's a tired old quote.
This battle is a tired old issue.
I can't expect anything from my friends whom I've helped when I had the resourses but now I have nothing and I am being spurned.
I can expect this though: an angry comment to what I just wrote.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Just a quick note:
this blog is a repertoire of feelings that I am feeling at the moment of writing.
It is a diary
It is uncensored
Although I've had, on multiple times had to censor some feelings I wanted to write. Sometimes what I write just creates more problems for my personal friendship with ShadiElf.
I don't want to hurt him, I have been using this blog as an attempt to get my perspective across the vast expanse of reality.
I isn't a good idea, after all, to do this with sensitive issues.
Especialy when we live just a few blocks away, in the same neighborhood.
Jeez.
I feel renewed hope and good feeling.
The happy feeling comes from Shadi"s and his partner's success at getting a scholarship grant to go to Australia for 15th International Harm Reduction Conference. I did my part by helping design a front page for the web site for their project: www.i2ipeersupport.com
I feel that is part of my life mission, is to desing imagery and symbolism (communication) for any kind of healing action upon the earth and Her tiny constituents.
Sunny day outside, so I go play guitar on the porch now.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
I refuse to censor myself for ANYONE.
Monday, March 08, 2004
I deleted a post I made about getting pissed off.
I want to apologise to my friend whom I've been desperately trying to communicate with through this blog and emails.
I am sorry for making yuo feel crappy becauseu I feel crappy.
I'll try to do better next time.
I cannot depend on certain friends for support.
That's all there is to it.
They depended on me in their dark time of need, but it doesn't matter. What maters, to them, in my opinion, is that they have what they need, and I can just go suck eggs.
I have been feeling suicidal, wnat ing to disappear, wanting ot slash my w arms and let the blood seep out along with the rest of me.
I could not talk abouthtis with my partner, it only makes him feel bad and thus me feel worse.
Our marriage be came a habit. Our wedding 14 years ago was not with love in mind, it was not with friends and celebrations in mind. It was for immigration, which my mom pressed to get done asap. My mother's pressure to marry before I give birth has much to do with this, not wanting an "illigitimate " kid.
It's 14 years later, and we never did celebrate our union.
What is there to celebrate? "oh no, our stupid daughter has to get pregnant and married."
14 years later, I have lived a life unlived. That is part of what is the basis of my depression. of why I might as well just kill myself.
The last entry was a reassurance I tell myself, and my friend who reads this, sometimes.
I don't know how much of this he reads, having something to say mostly when I say stupid things, like this entry.
Maybe he'll write a comment on this shit. Then again, prob not, now that I wrote the last sentence.
I lost a friendship because I got horny for another.
I lost my "marriage" because I got horny for another.
I lost.
I thought I was gonna have some kind of emotional support, but I got the oposite.
I got yelled at, screamed at, told to go away and symbolically eradicated.
I feel like I got the "holier than thou" treatment. Big fuckin pot calling hte kettle black.
trying to take a splinter out of my eye when they both have big ol' logs in theirs.
I am wasting a bit of time writing on this blog, because, well, I got time to waste. There is nothing else to do.
I felt so much love a few months back.
What happened?
I had a relationship with my friends. They called me, emailed me and or messaged. We hung out, until mid fall, when my job slacked off for the winter, when Xmas put a bit of pressure on everybody.
I would have liked some friendship during this time of suckingness.
But I'm not gonna get it.
I'm expectd to do this all by myself, because noone else wnats their "holy" hands dirty.
Sunday, March 07, 2004
I want to state that I love my partner.
and I love my partnership with im.
He's my foundation, my eath to my moon.
My sun to my eath.
I have yearnings, so intense that it hurts inside.
I can't keep them inside, unexpressed.
I have been expressing myself, but my words ended up crashing around like a bull in a china shop.
all for now
I wish to state that the feelings written on this blog are temporal.
The way I felt this morning is not the same as I feel right now at past midnite.
Right now I want to state that the feelings of unappreaciatedness have come from my own self. From deep inside my core, I did not appreciate myself.
I did not appreaciate my own efforts at being a mom, a wife, a partner for so many years.
My own lack of self appreaciation caused me to think others did not appreaciate me.
Saturday, March 06, 2004
I want to add that whatever I write in here is MY RIGHT.
If it pisses you off, then be pissed off.
Don't piss on me.
Golden showers are ok if it's done with love.
"eeewww.... can can she say that?"
My husband is playing "Halo" video game.
It's one of his favorite pastimes.
I like to study the Qabala. I like to do Tarot readings. I like to read the dictionary for fuck's sake.
My husband is not into anything intellectual that I like.
I want a partner that I can share this interest with.
I AM FRUSTRATED WITH WANTING TO BE MADE LOVE TO
I GOT UNWANTED SEXUAL ATTENTION AS A TEEN
NOW I WANT SEXUAL ATTENTION AND IT'S A DRY WASTELAND OF PAINFUL UNFULFILLED YEARNING.
What is fucking me up is the emotional pain I am feeling from the yearning to make love with someone other than my husband.
Not only that, that person is defined as "gay", and married.
And it was a beautiful wedding last summer, it was decided that those guys have their union on my birthday last summer, which turned out to also be the day of the nativity of Isis, which was also the closest Mars was and it was in opposition with Venus.
I have been in "love" with them both, in particular Shadi, who had projected feelings of attraction to me also, albeit in an ambiguous way:
There had to be conditions.
It had to be in the open, no sneaking affairs.
I agree, I've never liked that kind of "affair" relationship.
I had to keep my husband happy....
apparently I failed in that regard, because I ended up writing sensual tantrik poetry about my feelings to Shadi. I ended up drawing Pan who looks like a combination of the two beautiful hairy faeries, with a big ol' hard on.
That is Pan after all.
I had to deal with feelings of shame and embarrassment while I drew it (when noone was looking)
I couldn't let people see me drawing a big ol' hard on... However, when I finally worked up the courage to show them they loved it.
I made a 5 x 7 print to fit in a gold and green frame for a belated wedding present.
It now has a piece of paper in front of their print, hiding the ardour. Intentional or not, they are pretty "conscious" people, I'm taking that as another sign of their rejection of me and what I am trying to express.
I don't get to talk about this so I am filled with delusional feelings.
I need to write this down, I need to figure this out.
I can't take the whole responsibility heaped on me by the one I been attracted to.
I am responsible for this whole mess according to what he writes to me.... We don't have much time together alone, him with his job in town and his partner who needs attention also.
and my partner who needs to feel special also.
My partner whom I've been married for 14 years, without a real wedding.
My partner whom I got pregnant with and raised a great son together.
My partner who's always said he doesn't care one way or another through the years of apathetic tv couch potato life style.
My partner who agreed with me when we met that we were going to have a open marriage, so to speak.
Years went by without any interest from either of us for anyone else.
Until in 95 I fell in love with one man in 95 but those feelings went unexpressed, and poetry ensued and a couple drawings, and no action happened. He was part of an art collective and was very "spiritual" (cynicism here)
A year later, our mutual friend came over for a threesome. That was effortless, because I WAS INTO IT.
I HELPED BY ENCOURAGING IT. I WAS ENTHUSIASTIC. I LOVED HER ALSO.
A few years later I "fell in love" with a fellow student of history, psych and sociology when I went to a local college. I expressed a small hint of attraction to this guy, then he disappeared. from school, from his rental pad. Poof, gone.
That fucked me up inside. Only my partner to talk to about that.
Now I am dealing with someone who is not unattached, who is unconventional (mostly gay) who is learned in much of the kind of majik I am interested in and need to do and perform with....
But there is no cooperation from either side. It is all reluctant.
It is heartbreaking to not get cooperation from the significant others.
About a month and a half ago me n my partner were invited to partake in a little fun and a hot tub together with Shadi.
It was beautiful, I really wanted that and needed that.
We only caressed each other, I was so turned on. . .
It was a tease it turned out.
Me and my partner had an argument the following week created the excuse to blame me for the mess we're now in.
Now Shadi or his partner don't want to see me. They haven't invited me over to thier place like they used to for over a couple months now.
They say that's not true.
So where does the ostracized feeling come from?
And I feel so alone, because I do not feel supported with this yearning.
Me and my partner's "open marriage" idea proved to be a total lie.
It was an illusion.
IT WAS A FUCKIN LIE. HE LIED TO ME ABOUT OPEN LOVE.
I am trapped by an invisible cage, one that looks like freedom but isn't, really.
It is a cage of monogamous expectations.
It is a cage of "never getting what I want"
It is a cage.
This cage was constructed with expectations never fulfilled, and the bars constructed out of boredom.
We didn't marry for true love, really.
We just ended up together.
and married because I got pregnant.
and married to get his immigration papers (which was a useless endeavor after all)
and I have to be the fucked up one who isn't happy with how things are.
and it's all my fault, according to what the men involved said and screamed at me..
I haven't been able to fully talk abouthtis to my friends, who have never heard of a woman wanting to have sex with a gay man.
I'm so self defeating.
I get cold indifference from the men. They say that's not what is going on.
I am told that I am making shit up.
I don't know who to talk about this, I don't wnat to go near government sponsored "mental health services"
I want to talk with Shadi.
and our talks are always on the way to the store, but not back.
and he is afraid of creating a breakup between a longterm couple..... ya, long term apathy boring.
It has been a boring ten years.
I get hurt from what the men say, but I do not seem allowed to say these feelings I'm writing in solitude as a result. I do not seem allowed to talk to them the same way they talk to me.
I just wanted to have sex, to be made love to by the men I'm with.
I just want to be made love to.
but if me n my partner break up, I'll never get the union I so desperately yearn for with Shadi.
If I stay together with my partner, I have to do all the romantic "work".
I have to make him feel special and .... this sentiment makes me think of being a prostitute. I shouldn't feel that way with my husband of 14 years.
If I'm gong to feel like that, I might as well make money "making boring men feel special"
I am uninspired to make an effort at "romantisizing" someone who isn't romantically inclined.
I am uninspired by tv, video games, boat magazines.
I feel so unfulfilled, in so many ways.
SO WHAT if me n my partner end up splitting up at some point?
SO WHAT..
It wouldn't be Shadi's fault, much as he thinks he has the power to do.
I been wanting out of this marriage since over 8 years ago. Hell, since the beginning.
Since I got pregnant. I wantd none of that marriage n kids shit.
I just made the best of it, but stuff has a way of catching up to you.
I can't fake it anymore.
I feel so unfulfilled, and my urge to help some of that unfulfillment got twisted, got stopped, got misinterpreted and not given a real chance at expression.
Nope, I'm not allowed to get what I want.
Self fulfilling prophecy and it's all my doing, apparently.
Noone else had a hand in the way things turned out, apparently.
It's all my fault I am apparently told.
I want to be held
I want to be kisssed
I want to be enfolded.
But instead I get coldness, told to go away. Told I'm being selfish with my feelings.
Friday, March 05, 2004
IIt feels good when soemone notices my "happy" poetic beautiful type writings and writes a comment to it....
why does my self pity (everybody does it) get the most attention from one I love, still?
I would like some encouraging loving words. . .
the entry below is a symbolism of how I was feeling at the time.
The statement "noone reads this" wasn't meant to negate anyone who actually does read this. It was a sentiment derived from the feeling of being abandonned, rejected and banished.
Those were my feelings. I don't quite feel this way to that extent today, having cleaned the house with my housemate for my son's thirteenth birthday.
I'm taking a writing break while I design a poster for my housemate's East Indian Buffet she's organizing for April fools.
My son is hanging out with ihs friends, they are doing exactly what they want to do, is play video games and hang out n talk. There's four of them now, there's a couple more boys ariving sometime later. I have no money to provide him with a cake or pop n chips, and they would rather watch a movie at the moment. Later we might have a bonfire - it's pretty freakin cold out, though.
I want to relate this feeling I am having, it's my feeling that my friends totally think I'm a loser. That I'm not fulfilling my role as a mom and wife properly. That I'm not paying attention to my son and treating my husband like crap.
Oh here we go, ranting about how wrong I am.... I shouldn't care what these guys think, I shouldn't care what they say anymore.
Telling me I'm ungrateful really hurts.
Telling me I'm being selfish by not paying attention to their feelings really hurts.
I'm fuckin hurting inside from words said (mostly written)
I want tender loving soothing because I'm hurting inside - but instead I get indifference or critisism.
I want reassurance that my world is not gonna fall apart. I'm thankful for my housemate who does believe we will pull through.
We will find a place to live. What else happens? There's always someplace to live.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Noone reads this so it doesn't really matter
rain falling in a patter
tears forming getting fatter
before they drop in a splatter
making a mess of things
by being fucked up.
feeling misunderstood
hadn't had a chance to tell my truth
hadn't I written that before?
oh no, not again.
no more of htat stupid game
