Exacting moments of lucidity
Monday, November 19, 2007
what a oain in the ass
I just wrote a post, changed a setting so it would have a break , you know, the
tags and it erased my post.
make it clear that settings should be changed before investing a bunch of time writing a post.
good thing the major part of it is saved because I wrote it earlier.
here it is:
I feel sad because of my feelings of inadequacies, of my lack of accomplishment.
because my son is on his own at 16 and applying for youth assistance because I am not there for him, am not able to be there for him except to send him money when I can, which is getting really tight now, because I am running out of money. My life feel fragmented, I hope getting a job helps the rest of my life.
I don't feel the same as I did a few years back, of course not, its been a few years. Everyone changes. It's a fact, jack.
Losing most of my artwork kinda has something to do with this depression.
I haven't written my woes for a few years. Haven't felt like writing, feeling too numb, wanting to be numb, tired of feeling so much pain in my heart. A sense of loss. Like sand running through my fingers, remember that statement? I sure do. I knew then what was going on, but still tried to make it work and it blew up in my face and as a result still had no time for myself. Who's "myself" anyways?
The saying "you make your bed" kinda applies but to what extent?
somebody's warrant from years before I even met him shouldn't be my bed but I still had to pay for it, get hurt by someone else's karma. It's not fair that I haven't had a chance to breathe, to reconstruct myself, to regroup, to recreate.
To heal.
What's to point of cursing someone who's already cursed? The bitch I trusted with my artwork who took it all for her stupid drugs. I just want my work back. I don't deserve to have all taken away from me just when I find a community that is receptive to my kind of art.
I have nothing to show still because of this continued bullshit concerning moving my material goods, my tools for making more art, I can't keep starting over, time is running out, it always had.
None of us has all the time in the world, Infinity could happen anytime.
We all have an appointment with Infinity.
My feelings of being imprisoned come from simply being in a physical body, from the trials of life. No matter what I do, I'm still encapsulated in this limited casing.
I miss having internet at home, I have this skookum computer and it's being insulted by just playing DVD's.
I haven't even got a graphics program to work on anything new.
Can my blessings please be stronger that my petty cursing? I mean, come on! I know what I want, I know what I don't want, can what I want be stronger? please? I beg the Spirit to listen to my wants, needs and aspirations. I thank the Spirit for helping so far, I don't need the tangled complications from what happened on the Sunshine Coast. That is a place I will never return. I hope my son can appreciate that.
I hope everything works out good for everyone. if not, then I hope everything works out good for my immediate ones, son, his dad, my present partner.
My intuition works pretty good, it my rational mind that needs to believe in it. Like others too, whom I mention what could be, I need to be more self-believing so others can believe me.
well, that's good for now.
Nov 19 2007
