Exacting moments of lucidity
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I feel like my life is pointless, no that's not it, I feel like I don't have a life, I never really had my own life, always lived for another, never time for me.
No electricity is really depressing.
It was a mistake to move to a rental with no power and being out of the way for the retreat yet having to come into town more often that desired because of partner's prescriptions.
It's the medical profession that is causing this conflict because of their policies regarding such prescriptions, being lumped in with the street addicts that fail their piss tests and we should be happy with having to pick up twice a week....
Twice a week is too much to deal with, having to drive my partner who has no licence so I don't have a life, really.
I don't feel that I will ever be happy, self powered working artist fitting in part of ...
I feel like I am being punished.
for what.
What did I do in past lives that it has to be this way.
It seems any relationship I have becomes a lead weight weighing me down and prevents me from concentrating on my own work.
Other's needs have been sucking the everything from me.
I kind of miss my old life, with my little family, a husband who weighed me down with lack of initiative and apathy...
Now I am weighed down by someone's medical needs.
Someone's past drug use.
It casts a shadow on every aspect of my life.
And I wasn't even there.
It's not fair, I'd like to be stoned maybe, huh?
Maybe I'd like to not feel so depressed that I can't even function.
My depression is not helping my partner.
But the biggest drug I do is coffee, cigs (which we have to quit) and beer n wine.
It doesn't cut it though.
I've tried speed and liked it, except for the side effects, which are many..... It's been a couple years since I did some.
I don't miss it, I just miss being happy.
I don't think I know how to be truly happy, I don't think I ever had true happiness.
I never had my own life so how could I be happy?
I've always been on the back burner, always waiting for a time when I can do my thing...
I'm afraid I'll be dead before that chance happens.
Like most people who wait until it's too late...
Like my dad, who worked then retired then died, having only had a year of "retirement" before cancer struck.
I swore I wouldn't be a slave like my parents, who were the first to criticize me, yet here I am, still getting what I truly want.
freedom, self belief, independence, yet part of thriving art.
I'm constantly kept running in circles by a system I don't even belong to.
I love my partner but his needs, which are really the system's needs, keep me from my self, my life, my needs.
My life is interrupted.
I hope things work out for the better soon, because I am tired of always looking to the future for what I deserve to have always had:
a studio to work uninterruptedly on my artwork that has always been neglected and underfed.
Meanwhile my body is overfed because my partner is underweight and needs to eat so I eat so he would eat....
It's not fair.
I want to run away, but that's not the answer, is it.
How can I belong anywhere if I can't even belong to myself?
sorry about the depressingness, maybe next post will better.
That'd be nice.
for a change.
